I take it this is only a short phase I'm going through, but I just don't seem to have a lot of interest in spewing my thoughts out. It's not like I don't think I have any thought to share. I'll share this much: I really have come to see that everyone on this planet has a lesson to teach, even if a goodly chunk of Americans seem to be in thrall to some sickness called "Republicanism." All of the individuals I've met who are either confused about who to vote for or who are damn sure they're voting for the pResident Select seem ill-in-the-head to me, the same way my dad was both when he was dry and when he drank. They remind me so much of my father, actually. I seem to have been able to turn the corner about that, and it might have something to do with seeing my Mom turn the corner regarding my being gay. There's a lot that's happened in the past few months, and I really should be sharing it with whoever wishes to listen. But I've been rather mesmerized by Dian-y-Glas (pronounced "John-ee-gloss" from what I gather) and Cerridwen in their interactions with me.
When you're entertaining Gods and Goddesses, it's a bit of of a comedown to try and gather my thoughts for a blog. Not that it's easy--Cerridwen has me returning to a script I started to write before I started working legal. I re-read it and saw that I've really changed as a person and as a writer, but that even when I was in the throes of my addiction, I could tap into tear-provoking anguish. There were snatches of Mutable Grand Cross which I couldn't believe I wrote. And some of the best material was in the script I thought had the most problems! Interesting. (Cerridwen and Dian-y-Glas both forbid me from reading the first segment of MGC. I think I understand why.)
Anyway, that's a little teaser of what's going on. More will come eventually, but I think I'll probably have to put it together bit by bit.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Monday, October 11, 2004
Slog slog slog
Life's been interesting the past few days. I've been drawing a Tarot Card each day, as a means of putting my finger in the flow of life to see what energies are around me. The card that keeps coming up is the 7 of Swords, which is a card about deceit. For me, it seems to be about having to deal with all these mewling voices seeking to "get" something, if not from me, from someone, something outside themselves. Today's card is The Hanged Man. In a walking meditation to work tonight, Hermes and Hestia told me I needed to hold on and trust them through the next patch. Cerridwen, Dian-y-Glas and of all goddesses Hecate appeared to bind their energies into the contract for good measure.
It's October. The election, if it's really to happen, is about 3 weeks away. This is a damn good time for some "surprise" that's really no surprise to occur. I have become recently aware of how many unhinged people there are around me. I do work occasionally with one of them, but I also sense there are "unhinged" individuals who are ostensibly on my side of things as well. I'm not talking so much about other Pagans, though I'm positive they exist. Just looking at my own curious brand of sanity/insanity, I know most of us are "Edge-dancers," and sometimes we slice ourselves up on that razor blade of reality. Amongst activist types in general, there's a bit of extremity. But there's also calculation and reason as well. I hope I can find myself in the places where reason and action coalesce, where magical transformation has a real benefit.
All I can say is I think something's to happen this week. My card for the day is The Hanged Man, and the card for yesterday was The Chariot. I've had quite a few major arcana since October 1, when I drew the Moon. All of them seem to indicate that it's important to keep centered through whatever is to come next. The Hanged Man tells me that I can still find luxury and joy in my experience, no matter what it is. There's so many possibilities, I don't know what's to happen just yet. Though when it does, I have the curious premonition I'll be saying "Oh, of course! Why didn't I think of that? But it's still not going to work." (I'll be amongst the many people out there aspecting Hermione Granger, donchaknow.)
I'll be thinking of you. I wish you luck, and in the spirit of my recognizing the Goddess in you, I feel you wish it back to me.
We are all one.
It's October. The election, if it's really to happen, is about 3 weeks away. This is a damn good time for some "surprise" that's really no surprise to occur. I have become recently aware of how many unhinged people there are around me. I do work occasionally with one of them, but I also sense there are "unhinged" individuals who are ostensibly on my side of things as well. I'm not talking so much about other Pagans, though I'm positive they exist. Just looking at my own curious brand of sanity/insanity, I know most of us are "Edge-dancers," and sometimes we slice ourselves up on that razor blade of reality. Amongst activist types in general, there's a bit of extremity. But there's also calculation and reason as well. I hope I can find myself in the places where reason and action coalesce, where magical transformation has a real benefit.
All I can say is I think something's to happen this week. My card for the day is The Hanged Man, and the card for yesterday was The Chariot. I've had quite a few major arcana since October 1, when I drew the Moon. All of them seem to indicate that it's important to keep centered through whatever is to come next. The Hanged Man tells me that I can still find luxury and joy in my experience, no matter what it is. There's so many possibilities, I don't know what's to happen just yet. Though when it does, I have the curious premonition I'll be saying "Oh, of course! Why didn't I think of that? But it's still not going to work." (I'll be amongst the many people out there aspecting Hermione Granger, donchaknow.)
I'll be thinking of you. I wish you luck, and in the spirit of my recognizing the Goddess in you, I feel you wish it back to me.
We are all one.
Monday, October 04, 2004
The Goddess and the God work in mysterious ways
When I was on the plane coming into Newark Airport, I felt a deep disquiet about returning to New York. Thankfully that has all left me, I'm happy to be here now. But I had to go through a number of beautiful, challenging experiences to get to this place. One of those took place 30,000 feet in the air.
In those last two hours I was flying from Denver to Newark, I felt I needed to calm myself down. I was concerned that with the pResident Select speaking in New York, it would be too tempting an opportunity for a terror attack on the City Many People Hate. Also, I needed to prepare myself for that feeling of torpor and despair I knew would have a grip on the place I live. The Republicunts basically invaded New York, and occupied the town, laying economic and cultural waste in their path. I could feel the pall in the air even over Chicago.
So I meditated on the plane, and in that meditation, I was alerted to a shocking fact, that the spirit I've been working with who referred to herself as Karburown, the Steward of the Mountain of Playwriting, is actually the goddess Cerridwen. She sent me on a further meditative journey that I won't go into here. But I've been reading a bunch of info about Cerridwen and understanding that I've always been somehow connected to her. She gave me a magickal name to use--Frostwolf Cerridwens, was what I used as a placeholder until I learned more about Cerridwen. I found out that Taliesin, the great Celtic bard, was her son in a story rather reminiscent of the birth of Athena. Like Athena, Taliesin is a god of creativity but is also one of bardic inspiration. One of Taliesin's titles however was Cerrdorion which means "son of Cerridwen." So I worked out the optimal numerology of the name. Frostwolff Kerrdorion works out the best--the second f in Frostwolff makes the whole name a 6 which harmonizes the 4 of my birth name and the 9 of my birthday.
I also had another experience recently with a God of my understanding. www.faerywolf.com has a shrine to the Blue God of the Feri Tradition. Since I got back from New York Witch Camp, I've been ravenous for information about paganism. Up in Copake, I found a family I never knew I had. It was a similar experience to when I went to North Dakota for my grandmother's funeral. There I met blood-family members I never knew before, and felt profoundly welcomed. I also feel there's something very special about the land on which my folks live, some primal maternal energy that probably goes back a couple of generations, or perhaps the land sits on some ley lines as does the New York State Capitol.
Well, one of my web-forays led me to Faerywolf's site, which is amazing for any and all queer pagans to take a gander at. His essay about the Amethyst Pentacle has made for some interesting meditations and awareness of where I am on my path as of this moment. When I got to his Shrine to the Blue God however, I burst into tears. The only way I can describe it is that, in putting together the various pieces of the jigsaw of my life, I have this one section of pieces that I've been slowly amassing with the one blue color over in one corner, and with this shrine page, I found the lynch-pieces that unified all those others together, and was able to plop a whole part of the mosaic into place.
There's even more to the story than this, it keeps unfolding. The Blue God, also referred to as Dian-y-Glas in Feri (and Malek Taus by the Yezidi), has been appearing in dreams and in various guises in my everyday life. So has Cerridwen in her own way. I try to commune with them a couple times a day now, though they get irritated with me if I try to do so when I'm coming in to work. I've been sending that out to either the three H's--Hermes, Hestia and Hephaestus--or to the more general positive powers of the Universe. (It's all right if I'm at work to commune with C and D, just not in transit.) I'm so glad to have discovered that I've been walking in their soft moon-and-starlight all my life long. They've communicated their love to me even through the blue Christmas lights my Mom put on the tree each year when I was growing up.
All this and the Grand Quintiles of October too! What a blessed world!
In those last two hours I was flying from Denver to Newark, I felt I needed to calm myself down. I was concerned that with the pResident Select speaking in New York, it would be too tempting an opportunity for a terror attack on the City Many People Hate. Also, I needed to prepare myself for that feeling of torpor and despair I knew would have a grip on the place I live. The Republicunts basically invaded New York, and occupied the town, laying economic and cultural waste in their path. I could feel the pall in the air even over Chicago.
So I meditated on the plane, and in that meditation, I was alerted to a shocking fact, that the spirit I've been working with who referred to herself as Karburown, the Steward of the Mountain of Playwriting, is actually the goddess Cerridwen. She sent me on a further meditative journey that I won't go into here. But I've been reading a bunch of info about Cerridwen and understanding that I've always been somehow connected to her. She gave me a magickal name to use--Frostwolf Cerridwens, was what I used as a placeholder until I learned more about Cerridwen. I found out that Taliesin, the great Celtic bard, was her son in a story rather reminiscent of the birth of Athena. Like Athena, Taliesin is a god of creativity but is also one of bardic inspiration. One of Taliesin's titles however was Cerrdorion which means "son of Cerridwen." So I worked out the optimal numerology of the name. Frostwolff Kerrdorion works out the best--the second f in Frostwolff makes the whole name a 6 which harmonizes the 4 of my birth name and the 9 of my birthday.
I also had another experience recently with a God of my understanding. www.faerywolf.com has a shrine to the Blue God of the Feri Tradition. Since I got back from New York Witch Camp, I've been ravenous for information about paganism. Up in Copake, I found a family I never knew I had. It was a similar experience to when I went to North Dakota for my grandmother's funeral. There I met blood-family members I never knew before, and felt profoundly welcomed. I also feel there's something very special about the land on which my folks live, some primal maternal energy that probably goes back a couple of generations, or perhaps the land sits on some ley lines as does the New York State Capitol.
Well, one of my web-forays led me to Faerywolf's site, which is amazing for any and all queer pagans to take a gander at. His essay about the Amethyst Pentacle has made for some interesting meditations and awareness of where I am on my path as of this moment. When I got to his Shrine to the Blue God however, I burst into tears. The only way I can describe it is that, in putting together the various pieces of the jigsaw of my life, I have this one section of pieces that I've been slowly amassing with the one blue color over in one corner, and with this shrine page, I found the lynch-pieces that unified all those others together, and was able to plop a whole part of the mosaic into place.
There's even more to the story than this, it keeps unfolding. The Blue God, also referred to as Dian-y-Glas in Feri (and Malek Taus by the Yezidi), has been appearing in dreams and in various guises in my everyday life. So has Cerridwen in her own way. I try to commune with them a couple times a day now, though they get irritated with me if I try to do so when I'm coming in to work. I've been sending that out to either the three H's--Hermes, Hestia and Hephaestus--or to the more general positive powers of the Universe. (It's all right if I'm at work to commune with C and D, just not in transit.) I'm so glad to have discovered that I've been walking in their soft moon-and-starlight all my life long. They've communicated their love to me even through the blue Christmas lights my Mom put on the tree each year when I was growing up.
All this and the Grand Quintiles of October too! What a blessed world!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)