Hermes Iguana - Recognition Fixation

Yesterday evening, I was walking home from work and I was on the phone with my partner. One of the interesting developments in my life recently is that I have begun to undertake work on a novel that is being fostered by the avatar/deity Taliesin. It's a strange tome that is coming through me, and there's a big part of me that feels like "I'm wasting my time." But that is a part of me that mewlingly desires some recognition and, yes, the drug of fame.

Well. Part of my issue is that I'm having a hard time lately being clear with stuff. I feel murky, and the murkiness gets me into trouble, but I know I've talked about Taliesin helping me with this book, and my partner forgot about it. And I told him that I was annoyed that he forgot it and that "I'm going to have to somehow train your memory." As I walked home and then when I started making my dinner, I realized I was really rather incensed by the whole thing, and that it really touches an old, old thing. I found myself musing about praying to have a starseed walk-in come into my body so finish out the term of lease on this body. Because I didn't want this pain anymore.

So, I se there's a lot of power there, a big old complex in my fetch that I need to transform. I did a Thoth deck tarot reading on it using a spread Gerd Ziegler designed that basically reminded me that there are many good things in my life today as represented by the 2 of Swords and the Sun, but this ancient failure (7 of disks as the "what's really going on" card" has congealed in my spirit (the Hanged Man) and needs to be burned away in the fires of transformation. Once I do this, I'll become the Knight of Wands (rather than Prince of Wands--this is a Thoth deck where Knights=Kings, Queens=Queens, Princes=Knights and Princess=Pages). And the failure itself may be transformed into the Princess of Wands, a fearless energy that speaks truth, come what may.

I'm studying Hawaiian mysticism right now for my Feri training. In order to become the healer I know I can be, I need to heal this aspect of myself. I was spoken to cruelly and with cavalier and reckless abandon. That I have taken it and run with it with my own fetch's simple notions. As a college sophomore, I really had no understanding of my sensitivity and impressionable nature regarding "authorities". I put it in quotes because the authority in question really relies on my giving it weight, and because I was unaware that I was in that place of looking for approval and recognition ab supra, I didn't understand just how vulnerable and delicate I was. So now I really need to double up my efforts to love my fetch and to soothe its hurt, to heal its pain. I can't change the fact that an authority at Dartmouth in the Sanborn House basement hurt me in the fall of 1983. As with my coming-out fiasco, I'm sure that I will one day be grateful for the pain she caused me, but right now I still feel a sting and a desire to lash out.

The best thing I've done is put C*ntypoo as a character in a play of mine. If she wants to say that's who she is, that's fine, but she'll have to admit she's a homophobe, a misogynist and a racist as well. Does she really want that? Maybe she should just live with the fact that "I saw, I know, she disgusts me." Irony of ironies--take that, Blanche. Unlike Alan, I'm not going to kill myself.

Still I've got my work cut out for me. Yich!

Hanuman "Max" = Hamlet is a Comedy

I've been in a down mood or up-and-down mood rather. There are some days I look forward to stuff, and then days like this when I wish I could have just stayed in my dreams for the whole 24 hour period. (And last night I had a sex ritual dream! So there you go!)

But I've been musing on a notion that will probably raise the hackles of Shakespearean puristcunts--and of course that's a positive thing, isn't it always? But I recently had the opportunity to read an essay by Curtis White that suggested that "Hamlet" was a realy subversive play, masquerading as courtly entertainment. And I've got to admit I saw White's point. The tragedy of the play isn't really onstage--it's in the audience.

It struck me though, that if a director really wanted to be subversive, he'd augment all the stuff that was about Hamlet actually WANTING to die, and "go for the laugh-jugular." Now, it might be an experiment that failed, but I think it could fail BIG and in such a way as to make all sorts of people feel really uncomfortable in the process.

See, White's point is that "Hamlet" is about an ordinary fellow who doesn't have what it takes to be a gangsta, in the Claudius-Gertrude-Hamlet Sr.-Fortinbras mode of Gangsta.

Don't like "Gangsta"? Well, I think Tony Soprano is another Claudius stand-in. But it doesn't have to be the C*nt-character James Gandolfini played. There are a lot of people who can stand in for Count Vlad-Claudius C*ntworth. And Hapless Hamlet and Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius are just fodder for all that empirical evil that exists in the rottendom of Denmark. In fact, "Kingdom" and "Rotten" are basically the same thing. Something is King in the Rottendom of Denmark. And it is the structure of the whole c*nterprise itself.

So if Hamlet decided "To Sleep perchance to dream," and instead of going towards doubts about the death-dreams, he just glibly glides past it all, and embraces death-death-death, it could be quite discomfiting in more ways than one.

These thoughts are with me because I feel that the c*nt-spirits that want me to kill myself are getting desperate. The days of this c*nterprise called "American Empire" are clearly numbered, and it's difficult to see what the path forward is exactly. I did a tarot reading on 4-4-08 to discover that pathway, and the end result is the Queen of Cups--an emotional mastery of the situation. ("I'll cry tomorrow" anyone?) The theme interestingly is the Knight of Wands, and my lens into the situation is the 3 of Cups. The environment is the 7 of Pentacles which means that people are hard at work through the whole thing. As the fiasco unfolds, the hoi polloi will be "woikin' hard, woikin' woikin' woikin'" as I recently read somewhere. And I'll probably be amongst them, but working with my Fetch and my Godself to find the way through.

I wonder if this helps anyone.