Wow! Two days in a row!

Perhaps it's because of my impending move, but I do have a desire to post another entry into this weblog. Because last night I had a rather dislocating experience, literally.

I was walking through Tompkins Square Park headed toward a cafe on Avenue A where I thought I'd get a cuppa and sit down and write for a minute. I got to the door of the place, when I was struck deeply by the notion that this was the very last thing I needed to be doing right then. I stood in the doorway for a moment, then turned and walked back out and then the thought washed over me like a wave:

You do not belong here anymore. New York is no longer "home."

I did feel a bit dizzy and disoriented all of a sudden. This was a "universe" moment, and I had been having them since I had awoken at 5 p.m. I had a "universe" moment when I was writing in my journal about the fact that this moving company my boyfriend recommended quoted me $192/hour for moving my worth-approximately $800 stuff upstate, and musing about whether it wasn't time to let pretty much all of my stuff go, when I get a knock on the door by next-door neighbor, asking me to help her with an art project. We got to talking and I asked if she knew of anyone who was a decent (and relatively inexpensive) mover out there, and she suggested "if it was just me, I'd let it all go." And really, I don't have a lot. I think I'll keep the kitchen table and chairs, and the futon and frame and that's it.

I had another Universe moment when I realized my phone had been disconnected early. I asked the provider to disconnect the phone on 9/30 but they did so a week before that. I am starting to understand that I'm not New York's kiddo anymore, I'm in the hallway. I've decided that's for the best.

In any case, it seems that all of this led to the moment outside that cafe, and the feeling like I'm standing inside the Void. All told, that's exactly where I am. I called my best friend, and we chatted about it, but I was needing a bit of listening-to. I really don't know what awaits me in Albany. I have a pretty good idea, work-wise, but I don't know about the rest of it. What exactly will I be called to do? How will it relate with all the other stuff swirling about us all? Do I have a meaningful role to play in helping what is salvageable from this demented civilization to continue on and thrive? And will my writing benefit from all this? I do know that Albany will provide me with a more chthonic connection to the land which my writing has been hungering after. Other than that, I am taking so much on faith, it boggles my mind.

Yowza!