Action

Lately I've recognized that I'm in some sort of holding pattern. I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what it is. Yesterday, as I knocked off work at 8:05 a.m., I felt a deep sadness that seemed to emanate from nowhere. I recognize that feelings are sort of like spirits that can occupy a person and then move on. The entity that is fear is best dealt with by meditation once or twice a day. I meditate most days when I awaken and before I go to sleep. When Phobos decides he wants to have a go at my hormones, I can allow the demigod in and to have fun with my chemicals, but I have found that meditation has allowed me to keep my wits about me. I don't let Phobos, son of Ares, have my soul or my mind.

Triste, on the other hand, is a goddess who sometimes does grab me through my soul. There's a lot of grieving to sort through and to release in my life. When Triste enters into the frame, I frequently feel like things are hopeless, that no action is possible, that there's nothing to be done. I guess some would call this depression. Perhaps Thomas Moore's more classical take on it as Melancholy is more apt. But Triste frequently vanishes when I help another person. That's some amazing feat, just by holding the door open for someone or respectfully giving someone directions. Or refusing to give a lying panhandler any of my money to go off on whatever spree he or she might have in mind.

I don't know why I called this particular post "Action," but it feels right. The three A's--awareness, acceptance and action--put it last for a reason. I feel like I want to act, but the other two A's aren't in place yet. The sadness that I'm feeling could have various etiologies. Last week was the 22nd anniversary of when my folks told me that if I was gay they'd disown me because they loved me. I have also a residue of "veranophobia"--hatred of sumemrtime from my fat days. I also have a feeling that major changes are coming my way due to other actions I'm taking like finishing my 8th Step and getting ready to make amends in Step 9. There's a lot going on underneath the surface right now.

More will be revealed. Then more will be required.