Homophobia--mild versus recalcitrant

I recently read a Dan Savage column in Le Voix du Village where someone had written in about their crazy uncle who had yet another reason to hate gay people. The reason was so ludicrous and easily disproven that the writer had sought Dan's expert advise about what to do, to which Savage replied in essence, why waste your time? That this man is going to continue to hate gay people because of his fear of anal sex, regardless of the fact that not all gay men engage in the practice, so write the cunt off. (I paraphrase.)

I've been thinking about the variations on homophobia that exist in the populace. I see that it's a constantly mutating cancer actually, and one I'm not liable to stomp out any time soon. There are those of course, who are unthinkingly parroting what others say and all it takes is asking a well-timed "you really think that?" to get them to cogitate toward enlightenment. Others only need to get to know a couple of gay men and lesbians and that does it. They see we're just like them and struggling and that some of us will be trustworthy and others not. But I got to thinking about some of the homophobic people in my life today, and wonder about whether they are total losses or not.

(Btw, this is in process. The things I write here may be modified in the future--this is critical thinking at work. Please feel free to point out biases I may have, though the more obvious ones I probably won't do anything about. It's the subtle ones I'm curious to see in the light of awareness.)

For the most part, I agree with Dan Savage about the recalcitrant ones whose attachment to their fear is greater than their ability to live honestly in the world. The Big Book of AA refers to a certain class of alcoholics similarly in the clutches of something larger than they are as ones "who seem to have been born that way, they are not at fault, they are incapable of grasping a way of life that demands rigorous honesty."

Homophobia is an illness of similar proportions. It does shut down people's lives to be afraid to be thought of as gay. I know a handful of straight fellows who are most times flattered when a gay man indicates interest in them. To shut that side off, one really has to be crazy. I mean, I like it when women flirt with me, even though I'm hotter for the humpy dudes. It's nice to have someone take an interest in me regardless of whether I return the interest or not.

The homophobic cancer works by attempting to fob off sick state onto me as a scapegoat-host. It requires my participation, which is why people who simply won't be bullied because of their same-sex affectional orientation infuriates them. Their cancer can only work in an atmosphere of self-hatred. Ironically, their attempts to "shine the light" on our so-called depravity end up shining the light on their delusions which then have to keep mutating into other forms in order to survive. The uncle in Savage's column pointed to gay men and colostomy bags, trying of course to link anal sex with disease. Brilliant in its own fashion, but more revealing of this uncle guy. One abverfickt individual to be sure. Just one among many.

When I came out 22 years ago, my Dad said, "You know what happens to those people? They get strung out on drugs, they sell their bodies and they get killed--that the future you want?" I knew when I heard him say that, that he was in the grips of something really powerful. And for him to say that to his own son, he had to be pretty far gone. For my mother to say "We'll disown you because we love you, so you can leave with the clothes on your back," she must have really had a disease. And the illness works in such a way that now my parents have no recollection of this happening. Because they'd have to admit they were crazy, then wouldn't they? Can't do that, oh no...

I guess what I ultimately want to say about the fellow whose uncle is off-the-deep-end (OTDE anyone?), is yes, let the fellow go, but it's not the nephew's fault. He didn't cause homophobia, he can't cure it, and he can't control it. In many cases it's eradicated by education, but in others that's only a bandaid. Ultmately, the disease will isolate them. It seeks an ever narrower world.