Abstinence from Sugar and Flour

Though I have my difficulties with what I see as selfish antics in the ranks of a certain 12-step fellowship, I must say that I have greatly benefited from following its take on AA's steps and traditions. I don't think they pay as much attention to the traditions as they could, but I take the viewpoint that the organization will mature over time, and as it loses a certain regional focus to become more international, then the traditions will become more appreciated as the tool for keeping us from tearing each other apart that it could be.

I feel torn right now from a different point of view, as that of a sponsor of someone who is struggling. It's important that I respect the person's anonymity and not give away any details about the person, for it is not my goal in this post to hold someone up and say "they're not getting it." The thing about my problems with said 12-step fellowship is that I understand in my blood and bones that I am working with someone possessed by the twin demons of flour and sugar. They are still exerting an influence on the sponsee, even though sugar and flour were long ago dispensed with. I had a very difficult conversation this evening with a person who acknowledged "I'm not really here." And even though the sponsee acknowledged They (polite form like Sie in German) were not here and that the conversation was just to check in, I felt there was an implicit request (demand?) that I help Them.

[Sidebar: I like using "They" in the German sense of the word, so as not to denote gender. It's Anglo-incorrect but Saxon-correct. Kinda funzel, no?]

Now, maybe I was projecting--something I can own, fair enough. I owned with my sponsee that I was wondering what I could do to help Them. But I wonder if what isn't going on is that because I'm wondering openly about the problems of the 12-step fellowship that the diseased aspect of the sponsee isn't using that against Themself. The sponsee sounded gone, and I was really at a loss as to what to do. And the sponsee kept asking me for help, and I didn't know what to say. Sometimes it feels like it's useless to tell someone to hook up with their higher power or to ask for surrender, which is the only thing that worked for me. Even though I grouse about this fellowship, especially that there isn't anyone there who "has what I want," I saw again tonight just how powerful the disease is. And I guess I'm writing this because I think I know what I need to do next about this, but I don't like the idea.

The rooms of any 12-step fellowship won't turn anyone away who has the desire to stop their compulsion. There are people who will work at a program for 20 years before it finally "takes". And even when a person puts down one compulsion, they'll find that another one springs up to take its place. The business of working on ourselves and owning our feelings can be grueling and not surprisingly, most of us want a vacation from something we can never ever get away from. Availing oneself of a sponsor and working with Them can be pretty hard. I've fired, been fired by or drifted away from sponsors in my time, that's for sure. Sometimes honest divergences take place while in a relationship with a sponsor, and that is just the way things go. I've also had to fire, been fired by or drifted away from sponsees as well. All of those relationships have been successful though, because the sponsor in question didn't pick up.

To really get the benefit of working with a sponsor, one really has to be ready for surrender. I'm not saying that someone who still picks up their "drug of choice" can't work with a sponsor, but I'm not sure what good it does. To keep coming back to a sponsor and saying "I couldn't keep it together" and begging for compassion seems pretty lame. The best 12-step rooms refuse to shoot our wounded. But sometimes it does seem that we have to push the wounded out there onto the battlefield if they're not willing to surrender to the convalescence process.

I'm really just sharing some thoughts that are coming out of my head as I wrestle with what to do with/for the sponsee. I don't feel I'm really dealing with the sponsee but that seductive and clueless False Self that we addicts get ourselves stoked hiding behind. When I was in my addiction, I have to say my False Self guy seemed like the man I really wanted to be. But I was having such a hard time and I couldn't acknowledge to myself that I was insane, doing the same things over and over again in all the different areas of my life and expecting different results. While I intellectually knew (and eventually the other parts of my life came to a sudden and devastating awareness as well) that sugar was slowly killing me, the other parts of me were too attached to what I thought sugar was giving me, to be able to even approach the thought of letting that go.

I was simply addicted. That's all there was to it.

And in the early stages of recovering from the addiction, I was so out-of-it and enraged and sad and hurt that I couldn't really do anything. I think I'm only now starting to feel the shock of it all wear off, two years after I started on this journey. I've been becoming aware of the person I have hidden underneath the weight, underneath that compulsive false self, who quite frankly others liked and even loved! But the new person emerging is not only lovable, but he's loving as well. I really want to give back to the world in a meaningful and constructive manner. But I see that I can't do some things.

I'll have more on this for another time, but I need to sort through some more thoughts. I also wanted to mention that in my illness, I've been trying something different with my breakfast. I've been opening a can of either tuna or salmon and dropping it into a 1/2cup of defatted chicken broth. I've been putting the fruit and my cereal and nuts together in another bowl. It's interesting. I think it puts me in a different frame of mind from the eggs I usually have, which I just dump into the fruit-cereal-nuts mixture.

Just another thought I'd share.