Saturn Transiting my Nadir

To the uninitiated, the title of this post might sound a bit risque, but Saturn has just left my third house and is now just inside the fourth. I think this is the last time it will cross the cusp, and it is now ensconced in the fourth house for at least a year.

When Saturn was in the Third House, I did feel a lot of the time that I wasn't being articulate. Saturn brings out one's weaknesses for all to see, wherever it is. So with the Third House being about communication, it makes the most sense that I would feel like I was a blithering idiot much of the time. Many times, I'd have to slow down and try to get out some jumbled thoughts that were not forming into a coherent-enough pattern for me to be understood in all but the most general sense.

I do hope that this phase of tongue-tiedness is behind me, though I do see some not so pleasant side effects. (Tonight I actually made two grammatical mistakes. I said, upon going out into a 12-degree night, that I needed to be "waked up." And I also mentioned to someone that I inserted a section of text into an assignment that was already formatted and nothing needed to be done with it, but to sum it up, I said "I boilerplated it." Ugh!)

Saturn going into 4 means that I will be feeling challenges to my inner child, I think. The fourth house is about family, home, Mom and one's early childhood. I'm pretty sure that I will be experiencing challenges to home, as all of us will be. Perhaps I shall feel this more acutely than others? Time will tell. And some astrologers have noted that the more maternal parent often transitions during the time when a child's Saturn travels through 4. I do identify more with my Mom, though I think astrologically it could also refer to my Dad who's a Cancer, and I have a Cancer Nadir.

I have no idea exactly how it will play out, but it's instructive to note that 29 years ago, approximately, when I last experienced T Saturn in 4, my family moved and I had a difficult time adjusting. I was a fat kid from a Roseanne-type suburb who'd moved to a more upper-middle-class 'burb and felt both invisible and like I stuck out like a garish house in a block of earth-tones. I was a smart kid too, though. Most times, it felt like that was the ONLY thing going for me at that time. I also wasn't hip to my being gay, even as I developed mad crushes on two of my class mates.

So I mostly muddled through, hoping against hope that I'd find some meaningful recognition, which came a few years later in high school. It took a lot of perseverance, but there was a payoff, even if it only lasted for a short while. I got into a good school, and that was my one goal. I did reach it, only to find that I needed to have goals after that, and I did fall down in that area, I must say.

I don't regret anything in my life today. I feel some sadness about some choices I made, and I see that as the sugar/flour addict I was, I have never really been as open to people as I would have liked to believe of myself. I'm open to that struggle and pain of letting others see me as I really am, and of also seeing the glorious multiversality of every person and plant and animal and non-breather on the planet. Relationships with deities are bringing me out into the world in a more sunny and easy manner. I am open to things as I never have been before.

To make things right, I do need to make inventories and amends to those I've hurt. I will do this over time, it doesn't all have to be done today. But with this new transit, I see that I'm refurbishing the "house" I present to the world--my at-homeness wherever I am. That is becoming much easier as I see that I don't need to struggle as much, and I really can turn a lot of stuff over to say, Hermes or Branwen for example.

All in all, it's all good!