Pangs of ...?

I overheard a conversation between two co-workers that stirred in me a number of feelings that I felt the need to blog it out. One of my co-workers reminds me a lot of myself before I entered into my abstinence. He's an overweight writer. The other is an actor who's "between projects." (I myself am a writer "between projects," but I do show up to the page every day, even though it's a lot less than what I would like sometimes.)

The thing is, I am in a different space today, and yes, I did feel some pangs of longing for a production or some recognition. But I checked myself. I know what my limits are regarding theatre, and I recognize that we are in a time where there is a difficulty in finding avenues of expression that are worthy of our various voices. I heard some of the struggle in this fellow, not only with the writing, but with the weight as well. When I was in grad school, I obsessed about my weight, not being really conscious of the "self" I was putting out into the world. Today, I'm still looking at this guy I'm becoming and marveling at who I really am. The writing is a part of it, definitely. But so too is the understanding that I need to help heal my sexuality and that this is also a part of my earthly path, and that I need to give more of myself to the growing community of people who have forsaken white powdery toxins that smell good, and I need to also be in a smaller town.

I feel a bit of sadness about where I'm at today. Sometimes I think my writing career is in a shambles, or worse that I'm a "never-was." But really, I'm in a great, big pause and I need to respect that the Earth itself is in a process of writing/righting itself to become a world where it will be possible for me to contribute meaning through stage, fictive and screen work. It manifests around me, I can sense it.

Show up with faith, that's what I've got to do. And really try not to manipulate others into giving me what I think I want.