#1 - Integrated Party; #2 - Anger Eruption

Actually, I'm going to type #2 first, and put it below #1 which is more pleasant.

#1: There's a party always happening inside me. On my way to work tonight I did a walking meditation where I tried to get in touch with all my animal guides. In doing some informal internet research on working with animal guides, I came across a fellow who says that each of our chakras has it's own guide. The first animal that appeared was the otter. He felt like he was my heart chakra, and then other animals started to appear. I now feel there are more than just seven chakras, that there are at least 13. One starts below the ground, and the "last" one is somewhere out-there in space. Anyway, I hadn't really been as in touch with my animal guides of late, so I decided I'd just spend time with each one of them as I walked part of the way to work.

My root chakra animal is the iguana, and I had some difficulty getting in touch with him. When I moved up to goat, who was looking a bit peaked and I felt a wave of sadness come over me because goat seems to need a lot more, I started to understand that I had a difficulty with iguana because I don't feel as rooted into the world right now. When I moved up to the third chakra, things got a little better, though my third-chakra beaver is a bit nervous and fidgety. (I've noticed that's the way he is by nature, sort of a high-strung professorial type guide.) Otter always wants to play--he works, but he works with purpose, so that he can play without fetter. I imagined Otter playing in a small lake and splashing water at me, beckoning me to have a better time with life.

My three upper-chakra animal guides are all female for some reason. Hawk, She-Bear and 12-point Doe. I could see from Hawk's POV, flying above me, even as I kept my visual focus on the sidewalk ahead of me. And I like being in Bear's energy--she's quite calming in her redoubt. It was sometime here that the thought that "There's a party going on inside me" got caught in the web of my consciousness. I filed it away so that I would begin this post with it. Then I moved to to Doe, who I find a bit intimidating. She doesn't suffer blather and process much. I have to cut to the chase with her many times, though I think when sometimes I don't know what it is I'm feeling she's a bit more patient. Doe reminds me of the SUNY-Systems Admin Building in Albany, New York. Kind of a crone energy Doe has. In fact as I was trying to commune with Doe, I got a whiff of "Old-lady smell." (Clairvoyance, Clairaudience--is there such a thing as Clairolifaction?)

I imagine all my animal guides and my more human ones too spreading out and exploding onto a large green expanse near water. The party is ongoing. Sometimes I remember to drop in, like I did tonight.

#2: Well, I was on the phone with one of my sponsors and I ran headlong into a trigger. I won't go into the specifics of the conversation, but I felt myself slipping into a place that was a bit out-of-control. I can only talk about what's going on with me. In the heat of the moment, I felt I had been triggered, and the voices of "no f*in' way" were all ablaze. I have a feeling that what was going on was two people who were both being unreasonable in their own ways were clashing, and I had at least the presence of mind to terminate the conversation, even though that meant hanging up on my sponsor in mid-sentence. I didn't think I would be at any place where I could continue the conversation and in fact, saw that I had already caused some harm, when I "played the sign card." (He can't help that he's a Virgo, I can't help that I'm a Pisces.) That was a bit unfair, and I see the need to atone for that transgression.

I don't exactly know how it happened. I know that there probably was some sort of Al-Anonic shenanigans at work, because I felt several hooks being thrown out and I was desperately trying to dodge them even though I was finding myself increasingly angry. When I got off the phone, I had these irrational thoughts like I had been "found-out" and was having to go to the Principal's office or face the bailiff. I will need to talk to some other people about the specifics of the situation to see whether I was unreasonable, or whether I was being reasonable but frustrated and reactive. When anger and fear enter the picture, distortion is the name of the game, and I will need to speak to someone who has more access to reason than I do at the current time.

I'm sure I will need to make amends to my sponsor, but I have to be clear what the nature of my causing harm was, and that I only make amends therefor. The Addict/Alanonic way of apologizing is to take on way too much, and before I know it, I'll be apologizing for being responsible for the US having a dry-drunk as "president." Like that's ALL my fault! (I do still believe we all qualify for Al-Anon just because of this state of affairs alone!)

I was the one who was angry and resentful, so that means there was something the matter with me. I like the phrase "something the matter". It's kind of a vague phrase which we have given a larger meaning as being upset with a state of affairs or a condition resulting from some discomfort. I see that I had unintentionally turned my sponsor into an irresponsible authority figure. Just because someone isn't perfect means they're automatically Hitler crossed with Mrs. O'Leary, cow-owner. I felt something take over inside me, and I sense that this something has been building for awhile. There's more to it, and I need to sort it out.