Evolution of My Understanding

I'm better off without him.

As difficult as it is for me to let go of the reins of a friendship, I need to release my former sponsor from any perceived obligations he might have toward me. Whether he pulls himself away from the fetters is none of my business. I have been in that arduous position of telling someone to "Let Go of me!" when I was the one who was holding onto the other one. It's time I go about my business and live my life.

In talking with my best friend today, I had to laugh at myself, the therapy junky. Yes, I have learned quite a bit in my inner travels and travails. And the good news is that I take what I learn and give it over to others for their objective appraisal. After talking with my other sponsor, an Al-Anon friend and my best friend, I can more dispassionately see that my former sponsor has issues and it would be codependent of me to even start to address them. And so I ask Gaia and the sun to bless him, give him everything he wants out of life and now I choose to walk down a different pathway.

I thank him for some of the benefits he gave me as my sponsor. He did help to get me into a place of abstinence and he did give me freely of his understanding of 12-step recovery. He and I did have some good times, especially driving out of the city. I enjoyed talking with him about art, theater, aesthetics and other heady topics. He's a decent person and a good person who wishes to help others.

But we're not the greatest combination and I have come to recognize that we come to a parting of the ways. It's not the first time I've parted with a sponsor, though it is the first time I actually got so apoplectic I yelled at him. And while I felt that initial guilt, I see it as a piece of information that in reality gives me great encouragement rather than a feeling that I did something that needs an amends. The amends I need to make is one of timing--I needed to scream "G.F.Y." to him earlier than this. But no matter, it came out when it did and the timing I have to respect as impeccable.

It's also given me a perspective to reevaluate not only my connection to the food fellowship, but to all my fellowships. It's been 9 years since I first walked into an Al-Anon room, and as much as I have incorporated the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions into my life, I need to take a pause and reflect on what I've been doing and what needs my attention.

Yesterday, I talked with my mother about housecleaning and keeping busy. At her age, she needs to keep busy especially, or she'll drive herself crazy. So she creates projects for herself. She was taking a break from setting brick slabs into the dirt outside the house when I called. Likewise, I need to create "recovery projects" for myself. My 8th/9th Step is a project, but so too are some other areas, like the "Square Dancing Project" and the "Turning my Apartment into a Home Endeavor." I can spend some time on the projects I create and take some small actions toward them. I also need to spend some time on the "What's My Perfect Life to Look Like? Program" and "Richard Gives Service Project" as well.

And I have my former sponsor to thank for this, for jump-starting the process through his own need to pressure me and slot me into a time slot with no room for error or human fallibility. Thanks!