Living with an Emotional Hangover

I've been in a funk the past few days because of my angry eruption. It feels like an emotional wound that got reopened. Perhaps it had scarred over since the last time, but it feels just like new. I'm surprised at the primal feelings I have, of how they would so like to cloud over my vision. It's probably no shock that I don't feel at all like meditating of late, though my awkward Grand-Jury-debilitated schedule only adds to that mishagoss. Since I've not been exercising as much of late, again due to G.J. rationalization, I have inadvertently put myself in a more vulnerable position regarding emotional wraith penetration.

There are so many factors to the feeling of toxicity that courses through me right now. I haven't reached homeostasis yet. The situation will continue to evolve, as I use the tools of the 12 steps and talk about the situation with my other sponsor and my _A and _-Anon friends. (_ means fill-in-the-blank. DA, AA, NA, Al-Anon, NA-Anon, etc.) There are other factors too that are more confusing. My food fellowship is not ideal as a means of staying in recovery. I'm wondering if it isn't something I use as a bridge to some other sort of fellowship that is a bit more mature in its outlook without going into OA-style permissiveness and rationalization. Though armed with the knowledge I've received from my food fellowship, I might be able to wade into the OA waters and seek out the ones who have achieved something of note.

The thing that set me off most was not knowing how to deal with a situation that allows for no recourse. I've been in jobs like that. There's a word for that sort of job, and that word is "abusive." It's tough to go through all of this stuff, which is supposed to make me stronger, and then receive what amounts to a "pop-quiz" of sober action and to recognize that my head needs some fine-tuning. I'm sure there was a graceful way to handle that situation, and I probably could replay the whole scenario making a different choice. That is a tool for the future. I am not a bad person, just a guy with issues about being pressured. I have this image of a snake that has been coiled up inside me, waiting, just waiting for the right opportunity to reach out and strike. And what's so confounding is that what I said was really inane, childish, small and small-minded. That it set off the other person was something I think I did intend to do, and how I knew that would do the trick is beyond me. "My inner parselmouth" read the situation correctly and it hit its target all right. "Listen, Virgo--" and that was all that was needed.

I don't think it was the other person's intent to be abusive. They got into a tunnel-vision of their own and he had his reasons for his actions. They may be reasonable, they may not. My role in the situation was that I have been a people-pleaser throughout this relationship. I've not been able to maintain clear boundaries around this sponsorship thing. I have a lot in common with this fellow, and I do genuinely like the guy, his eccentricities notwithstanding. But we have learned how to hurt each other, and that troubles me sehr.

And I've been living inside this strange, darkened viewpoint where I get to accept my own humanity. At long last, I suppose. But I don't like what I see, and while it's not like I viewed myself as Gaia's gift to humanity before, I'm feeling a deep sadness underneath the rage and fear. This really is sadness too, not self-pity. (That little monstrosity is trying to wheedle it's way in, but I have to kick it in the jaw and send the little skull-dog scurrying away from me. I now think that's what my weird dream about being attacked by the vicious little undead pooch was about.)

More to come later. Still developing...