Just Being Human

Some days just suck. Warning: This is not a happy post. I'm putting this on my blog because I need to let people in on what's going on in my head right now. I need to express myself a bit.

Or rather, I find myself in a sucky mood, and I can't seem to dig myself out of it. I know the things that will help me--reaching out to others, trying to be of service, making some plans and what not. And I have to cut myself some slack I guess, because of this F***ing grand jury service. (I took yesterday off and boy did I notice a shift in my energy! Only one more f'in' day left thank Gaia!)

I've been isolating. I've not been taking very good care of myself--two nights ago was the first time I went to a movie in almost a month. I've also not been a participant in the civil war that's going on outside my window. Yes, we are in a civil war, whether we want to realize it or not. It's not a civil war between regions however, but one between those who wish to live in a friendly universe vs. those who clutch onto living in a hostile universe. I find myself in a liminal space, between the two. God, it's arduous work to move from the hostile to the friendly! I get to be too hard on myself--today I was "complaining" to another person who helped me to fetch myself up short and realize the disease of civilization was talking through me, wanting me to judge myself for having a rough time.

It's tough for me to sit in on these cases where I get to see people being mean to each other, where I get to expose myself to uniformed/plain-clothes officers who are really sanctioned criminals IMHO, getting their jollies off of further victimizing the unchanced and the unschooled in favor of the unprincipled and the immoderate elegant thugs operating at an eagle's remove from all of the muck. I saw two thug-corporate-cop-cunts on one case, safeguarding the interests of a couple cuntorate vampires, and I immediately wished these two fellows had their heads separated from their bodies. They carried themselves with such swagger and rage and general cuntishness, I found myself fantasizing about bashing their brains in. Of course I had to pray for them, had to ask Gaia to transmute my hatred into something positive. I don't know if anything happened, other than that I didn't jump out from the foreman's table and throttle each of these thugs to death. Guess that's something.

Because of all this isolation and exposure to ugliness, I'm in a toxic morass. I didn't handle this time in service to New York State very well. I told myself I was doing service and during this episode ended up doing myself more disservice. Fantasies of my own death have been populating my mind.

It occurred to me tonight that we are probably going to be making the aforementioned civil war more of a reality as the election draws near. If, as I expect, the Cunts at the Top find a way to fix the election in their favor, I'm fairly sure that there are enough people out there who won't stand for it that they'll cause some sort of disturbance. If, on the other hand, Kerry does actually win, then the Cunts will foment a civil war because they will believe they've been wronged and "the South will rise again" as it were. These are unreasonable reptiles-in-human-clothing who will brook no challenge to their tenuous grasp on reality. The truth will out, and there will unfortunately be war. I see it as inevitable.