Hermes Iguana - Recognition Fixation

Yesterday evening, I was walking home from work and I was on the phone with my partner. One of the interesting developments in my life recently is that I have begun to undertake work on a novel that is being fostered by the avatar/deity Taliesin. It's a strange tome that is coming through me, and there's a big part of me that feels like "I'm wasting my time." But that is a part of me that mewlingly desires some recognition and, yes, the drug of fame.

Well. Part of my issue is that I'm having a hard time lately being clear with stuff. I feel murky, and the murkiness gets me into trouble, but I know I've talked about Taliesin helping me with this book, and my partner forgot about it. And I told him that I was annoyed that he forgot it and that "I'm going to have to somehow train your memory." As I walked home and then when I started making my dinner, I realized I was really rather incensed by the whole thing, and that it really touches an old, old thing. I found myself musing about praying to have a starseed walk-in come into my body so finish out the term of lease on this body. Because I didn't want this pain anymore.

So, I se there's a lot of power there, a big old complex in my fetch that I need to transform. I did a Thoth deck tarot reading on it using a spread Gerd Ziegler designed that basically reminded me that there are many good things in my life today as represented by the 2 of Swords and the Sun, but this ancient failure (7 of disks as the "what's really going on" card" has congealed in my spirit (the Hanged Man) and needs to be burned away in the fires of transformation. Once I do this, I'll become the Knight of Wands (rather than Prince of Wands--this is a Thoth deck where Knights=Kings, Queens=Queens, Princes=Knights and Princess=Pages). And the failure itself may be transformed into the Princess of Wands, a fearless energy that speaks truth, come what may.

I'm studying Hawaiian mysticism right now for my Feri training. In order to become the healer I know I can be, I need to heal this aspect of myself. I was spoken to cruelly and with cavalier and reckless abandon. That I have taken it and run with it with my own fetch's simple notions. As a college sophomore, I really had no understanding of my sensitivity and impressionable nature regarding "authorities". I put it in quotes because the authority in question really relies on my giving it weight, and because I was unaware that I was in that place of looking for approval and recognition ab supra, I didn't understand just how vulnerable and delicate I was. So now I really need to double up my efforts to love my fetch and to soothe its hurt, to heal its pain. I can't change the fact that an authority at Dartmouth in the Sanborn House basement hurt me in the fall of 1983. As with my coming-out fiasco, I'm sure that I will one day be grateful for the pain she caused me, but right now I still feel a sting and a desire to lash out.

The best thing I've done is put C*ntypoo as a character in a play of mine. If she wants to say that's who she is, that's fine, but she'll have to admit she's a homophobe, a misogynist and a racist as well. Does she really want that? Maybe she should just live with the fact that "I saw, I know, she disgusts me." Irony of ironies--take that, Blanche. Unlike Alan, I'm not going to kill myself.

Still I've got my work cut out for me. Yich!