Friday, March 23, 2007

3 Swords Hermes Wolf

Fuzzy thinking usually leads to that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde sort of split that I've been reading about in ye olde sphere du oggly-bloggel-bloggens. One of the basic tools I learned how to use early on in my various recoveries was "think it through." Think through where trying to do something for someone that they can do for themselves would lead me. Think where the first drink would lead, where the first bite of a German chocolate cake would lead me. Where going to the bookstore when I don't have money would lead me. Knowing that these things give me an initial high that is followed by a crash of remorse and self-recrimination, I can make a different choice.

This sort of thinking things through is anathema to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, the presence of the absent-hearted reactors who need to knee-jerk demonize anyone who doesn't automatically sign on to their point of view. I used to feel scared of the bullies who spout "if you're not with me you're against me," but lately I've been finding them amusing. They remind me of those brainiacs who say "if you don't drink, I can't trust you." Which means they trust people who do drink, and how do you work that out, objectively speaking?

It's "objectivity"--becoming aware of what is and accepting it--that is THE enemy, which is why J/H types seem to be a bit more comfortable with the various versions of themselves that show up in all political stripes. The Pat Robertsons as well as the Larry Kramers. The David Kortens as well as the Milton Friedmans. The Andrea Dworkins as well as the Camille Paglias, etc.

Many people just aren't capable of nuance, of taking in the whole rather than focusing on the part. They remind me of the strange story of a practitioner of astrology that my own astrologer told me about, who said that where Virgo was in a person's chart was the most important thing to look at. More important than the sun, the moon, the ascendant? Wierde! (Weird+merde? I mistyped, but I kinda like it.)

I was thinking about this after seeing a headline on one of the local papers about some people pushing immigration reform. I thought, perhaps that is an issue I could use permaculture principles to explore, as I don't really have a huge emotional stake in it and I can see multiple points-of-view. I can see the point-of-view of the immigrants themselves, looking for a better life, just as I can see the point-of-view of people who have invested their lives in this hopeless system. I can see the grand victimization that is going on, and the seemingly urgent attempts to find scapegoats and fall guys, the desire to deny what is really going on--and denial is sometimes a friend, though it mostly appears to be a friend when it's really holding you up from facing necessary changes. There's a lot more going on with immigration than meets the eye, and there's a lot of exploitation of fears that lead to racialist bunkum that has nothing to do with anything, save for feeding some people's addiction to hate and rage.

There's flow, density, fuel and wisdom to be gleaned from taking the whole issue in and not settling for easy answers, for inviting ALL the parties to the table, even where there is distrust, and for bringing on those pesky emotions as partners to the whole affair. Decisions shouldn't be made solely based on feelings, but neither should they be entirely discounted, and when people feel disappointments at whatever compromises are honestly agreed upon, then those need also to be expressed. And if someone "loses" in the process, then something needs to be done to atone and to make up for the loss. We are all in service to each other, after all. (Non sequitur: Perhaps Donald Trump should start to do windows?)

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Princess Wands Odin Salamander

The last ten days or so, I've been thinking about the notions of anomie and malaise. Each day I leave my house and from about 8 in the morning until 6 at night I enter into a mental fog. For quite awhile I have struggled with this phenomenon. 12 Step work tells me I need to accept the situation once I become aware of it, even if it's not something I would particularly like or approve of. To be able to find the ways to act upon the situation, I must first accept it as it is.

Well, I'm struggling to accept this malaise that accompanies my mandated participation in this decrepitude surrounding us all. "Mandated" by "authorities" (aka cunts) who arrogate "authority" to themselves and impose a "consensus" upon me and upon you, wylion. ["whether you like it or not."]

I accept the cunts, the addicts, the vampires, without accepting their "authority." It's partly why I invoke different deities each day. They help me to get through it all, and now I'm starting to enter into a new phase of my creativity I find pretty damn wonderful, if I do say so myself. I've decided to revise a play I wrote, and I'm going to submit it, a very short "intensity" I wrote several years ago, and a brand spanking new "Post-American Teaching Play" I call Hiawatha Creek Exorcism to a local play festival. (Once I revise it to my liking--I need to expand it threefold.)

I joyfully accept these lessons (and interestingly enough, the Salamander of today aligning with the Storm from the Mayan tzolkin calendar suggests accepting my lessons as blessings and my enemies as angels) and to cheerfully embrace my obligations to slog through it all.

Truth be told, I feel better already! Thanks Bill W. and Dr. Bob!

Friday, March 09, 2007

I pray

Universal debt forgiveness.

Strength Odin Bear - Opening Night!

At long last, the hard work of showing up to rehearsals, learning my lines, delving into the character of "Dale Harding" and interacting while in that character with my fellow crazies. I've pretty much not done much of anything else creatively. Writing draws from a similar map of brainware to what goes into creating a character. I think I can direct a play and write at the same time, because that's mostly administration stuff. Acting isn't "generative" in the same sense that writing is, but there is a different kind of generating going on within the actor, and that process does impinge on the writer, at least in me it does.

(I am able to act and write when a full-time job isn't involved, however. But I haven't been able to create at the workplace for a good decade now, not that I haven't tried.)

I needed to get onstage to jump-start my creativity in a different way. It feels good to be here, but I do long to be able to jump back into my writing. Perhaps I'll be able to get back to it next week.

In any case, I'm excited to be making my Albany debut in a wonderful play.