To the uninitiated, the title of this post might sound a bit risque, but Saturn has just left my third house and is now just inside the fourth. I think this is the last time it will cross the cusp, and it is now ensconced in the fourth house for at least a year.
When Saturn was in the Third House, I did feel a lot of the time that I wasn't being articulate. Saturn brings out one's weaknesses for all to see, wherever it is. So with the Third House being about communication, it makes the most sense that I would feel like I was a blithering idiot much of the time. Many times, I'd have to slow down and try to get out some jumbled thoughts that were not forming into a coherent-enough pattern for me to be understood in all but the most general sense.
I do hope that this phase of tongue-tiedness is behind me, though I do see some not so pleasant side effects. (Tonight I actually made two grammatical mistakes. I said, upon going out into a 12-degree night, that I needed to be "waked up." And I also mentioned to someone that I inserted a section of text into an assignment that was already formatted and nothing needed to be done with it, but to sum it up, I said "I boilerplated it." Ugh!)
Saturn going into 4 means that I will be feeling challenges to my inner child, I think. The fourth house is about family, home, Mom and one's early childhood. I'm pretty sure that I will be experiencing challenges to home, as all of us will be. Perhaps I shall feel this more acutely than others? Time will tell. And some astrologers have noted that the more maternal parent often transitions during the time when a child's Saturn travels through 4. I do identify more with my Mom, though I think astrologically it could also refer to my Dad who's a Cancer, and I have a Cancer Nadir.
I have no idea exactly how it will play out, but it's instructive to note that 29 years ago, approximately, when I last experienced T Saturn in 4, my family moved and I had a difficult time adjusting. I was a fat kid from a Roseanne-type suburb who'd moved to a more upper-middle-class 'burb and felt both invisible and like I stuck out like a garish house in a block of earth-tones. I was a smart kid too, though. Most times, it felt like that was the ONLY thing going for me at that time. I also wasn't hip to my being gay, even as I developed mad crushes on two of my class mates.
So I mostly muddled through, hoping against hope that I'd find some meaningful recognition, which came a few years later in high school. It took a lot of perseverance, but there was a payoff, even if it only lasted for a short while. I got into a good school, and that was my one goal. I did reach it, only to find that I needed to have goals after that, and I did fall down in that area, I must say.
I don't regret anything in my life today. I feel some sadness about some choices I made, and I see that as the sugar/flour addict I was, I have never really been as open to people as I would have liked to believe of myself. I'm open to that struggle and pain of letting others see me as I really am, and of also seeing the glorious multiversality of every person and plant and animal and non-breather on the planet. Relationships with deities are bringing me out into the world in a more sunny and easy manner. I am open to things as I never have been before.
To make things right, I do need to make inventories and amends to those I've hurt. I will do this over time, it doesn't all have to be done today. But with this new transit, I see that I'm refurbishing the "house" I present to the world--my at-homeness wherever I am. That is becoming much easier as I see that I don't need to struggle as much, and I really can turn a lot of stuff over to say, Hermes or Branwen for example.
All in all, it's all good!
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Pangs of ...?
I overheard a conversation between two co-workers that stirred in me a number of feelings that I felt the need to blog it out. One of my co-workers reminds me a lot of myself before I entered into my abstinence. He's an overweight writer. The other is an actor who's "between projects." (I myself am a writer "between projects," but I do show up to the page every day, even though it's a lot less than what I would like sometimes.)
The thing is, I am in a different space today, and yes, I did feel some pangs of longing for a production or some recognition. But I checked myself. I know what my limits are regarding theatre, and I recognize that we are in a time where there is a difficulty in finding avenues of expression that are worthy of our various voices. I heard some of the struggle in this fellow, not only with the writing, but with the weight as well. When I was in grad school, I obsessed about my weight, not being really conscious of the "self" I was putting out into the world. Today, I'm still looking at this guy I'm becoming and marveling at who I really am. The writing is a part of it, definitely. But so too is the understanding that I need to help heal my sexuality and that this is also a part of my earthly path, and that I need to give more of myself to the growing community of people who have forsaken white powdery toxins that smell good, and I need to also be in a smaller town.
I feel a bit of sadness about where I'm at today. Sometimes I think my writing career is in a shambles, or worse that I'm a "never-was." But really, I'm in a great, big pause and I need to respect that the Earth itself is in a process of writing/righting itself to become a world where it will be possible for me to contribute meaning through stage, fictive and screen work. It manifests around me, I can sense it.
Show up with faith, that's what I've got to do. And really try not to manipulate others into giving me what I think I want.
The thing is, I am in a different space today, and yes, I did feel some pangs of longing for a production or some recognition. But I checked myself. I know what my limits are regarding theatre, and I recognize that we are in a time where there is a difficulty in finding avenues of expression that are worthy of our various voices. I heard some of the struggle in this fellow, not only with the writing, but with the weight as well. When I was in grad school, I obsessed about my weight, not being really conscious of the "self" I was putting out into the world. Today, I'm still looking at this guy I'm becoming and marveling at who I really am. The writing is a part of it, definitely. But so too is the understanding that I need to help heal my sexuality and that this is also a part of my earthly path, and that I need to give more of myself to the growing community of people who have forsaken white powdery toxins that smell good, and I need to also be in a smaller town.
I feel a bit of sadness about where I'm at today. Sometimes I think my writing career is in a shambles, or worse that I'm a "never-was." But really, I'm in a great, big pause and I need to respect that the Earth itself is in a process of writing/righting itself to become a world where it will be possible for me to contribute meaning through stage, fictive and screen work. It manifests around me, I can sense it.
Show up with faith, that's what I've got to do. And really try not to manipulate others into giving me what I think I want.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Interesting Dreams to Report
A coworker of mine told me that when we dream of celebrities, we are "on the brink of fame." (Do I really want to be famous, though? That might seem to be an odd question to ask, but in these times, I wonder if being famous might not be a liability instead of an asset.) I've had a couple of dreams with celebs in them.
A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that Brad Pitt helped me move a salad bar back into place, that I had mistakenly moved when I leaned on it. In the dream, I thought it was solid, and it stood by a set of windows that looked out onto a gorgeous field lined by buildings. He even gave me a few "words of advice" on how to "be in this place."
Yesterday, I had a rather complicated dream, but I was back in junior high and my brother went to a party given by Will Smith, which he said was a bust, "It was so boring, but I think he knows the errors of his ways so he's doing it again." So we were outside these doors of what felt like a high school gymnasium, and we could hear a lot of manic music with a heavy 4-4 beat, and I was bored standing there, not really expecting much of a party that I would enjoy, but I endured it. The doors opened up, and my brother and I went in with the crowd, and we got separated, but he was having a good ol' time. I somehow materialized into another town entirely. It was like I disappeared, but left my clothes in the high school gym. The people in this other town were very accepting of me, even though I was stark naked. There was some strange scandal going on about public service and cable rates having been raised at three specific housing complexes, one of which had the name "Cadwallader," I remember. (That's the name of a law firm in NYC, btw, though spelled with only one l.) And then I somehow went back in time to the party I mentioned that my brother thought sucked. I actually found myself enjoying it however. He wandered around the place all grumbling and sour, and I found a room where classical music was playing and I sank into a lovely reverie by a cozy fireplace and let the music transport me where it will.
Somewhere in all that, I overheard someone talk about Danny deVito and that he said a really funny line to someone as a devastating comeback. Or some such, I gather. It could have also been a quote of a funny line he said in some latest film. I remember watching the trailer of the new Chilli Jones movie--can't remember the title. DeVito says to Travolta, "What about speed?" referring to the cars they had driven to this club. Travolta retors, "When you get to be this famous, people will wait."
Weird. But astro.com recently noted that Saturn had transited into my fourth house. I remember 29 years ago approximately when Saturn did the same. My family moved to Littleton, and I was really lonely, but I dug into my studies, and worked very Saturn-like at my studies, and it paid off with getting into Dartmouth.
I feel a real surge of energy, and I think it's coming from connecting with deity in a new way. (Interestingly, I just Googled "Dian-y-Glas" and my website came up! Freaky!) With the coming shifts in the economy, I'm leery of getting into anything about fame right now, but I also have to "follow the otter". The otter is leading me to writing this really cool children's story, which I think might have to do with the Blue God. I wrote a scene abut a peacock suddenly appearing in one of the two main characters' back yard. The peacock was sacred to Dian-y-Glas, and was also sacred to a couple of Egyptian gods as well. The peacock with its painted fan was all the more unusual because it has an immunity to asp-poison, and with the ibis, could guard pharaohonic individuals from attacks therefrom.
This story, like my other projects influenced by deity, is not writing itself in chrono order. It can get a little frustrating, but I just "follow the otter," which is a strategy also for the other main character. I'm wondering if this piece might not be a little like Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. I'm tempted to go back and re-read them, but the trilogy is being adapted to be a musical.
On an entirely different note, I saw the WGA nominations for Best Original Screenplay, and Best Adapted Screenplay.
Original:
The Aviator
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Garden State
Hotel Rwanda
Kinsey
Adapted
Before Sunset
Mean Girls (!)
Million Dollar Baby
The Motorcycle Diaries
Sideways
Now I'm actually rather impressed with these. Garden State wasn't a movie that sounded like one I wanted to see. I was sort of hoping that Birth would have gotten a nomination. But those five scripts are respectable, as are the five for adaptation. Mean Girls is a very pleasant surprise. I actually really liked that film. Tina Fey did a wondrous job with it. (Wonder if her last name has anything to do with the Craft. Just wondering.) I didn't see Before Sunset, but that won the Village Voice Critics' Poll of the best film and the best screenplay. I'm rather surprised it got a nomination, but I haven't seen the film. Perhaps I'll be owna-wayblay. But I rather doubt it. To me, the shocker: Finding Neverland didn't get a nod. My favorite movie an also-ran. Rats, you wuz robbed! Although I can't find fault with the noms as they are, really. C'est la vie du l'escriteur.
A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that Brad Pitt helped me move a salad bar back into place, that I had mistakenly moved when I leaned on it. In the dream, I thought it was solid, and it stood by a set of windows that looked out onto a gorgeous field lined by buildings. He even gave me a few "words of advice" on how to "be in this place."
Yesterday, I had a rather complicated dream, but I was back in junior high and my brother went to a party given by Will Smith, which he said was a bust, "It was so boring, but I think he knows the errors of his ways so he's doing it again." So we were outside these doors of what felt like a high school gymnasium, and we could hear a lot of manic music with a heavy 4-4 beat, and I was bored standing there, not really expecting much of a party that I would enjoy, but I endured it. The doors opened up, and my brother and I went in with the crowd, and we got separated, but he was having a good ol' time. I somehow materialized into another town entirely. It was like I disappeared, but left my clothes in the high school gym. The people in this other town were very accepting of me, even though I was stark naked. There was some strange scandal going on about public service and cable rates having been raised at three specific housing complexes, one of which had the name "Cadwallader," I remember. (That's the name of a law firm in NYC, btw, though spelled with only one l.) And then I somehow went back in time to the party I mentioned that my brother thought sucked. I actually found myself enjoying it however. He wandered around the place all grumbling and sour, and I found a room where classical music was playing and I sank into a lovely reverie by a cozy fireplace and let the music transport me where it will.
Somewhere in all that, I overheard someone talk about Danny deVito and that he said a really funny line to someone as a devastating comeback. Or some such, I gather. It could have also been a quote of a funny line he said in some latest film. I remember watching the trailer of the new Chilli Jones movie--can't remember the title. DeVito says to Travolta, "What about speed?" referring to the cars they had driven to this club. Travolta retors, "When you get to be this famous, people will wait."
Weird. But astro.com recently noted that Saturn had transited into my fourth house. I remember 29 years ago approximately when Saturn did the same. My family moved to Littleton, and I was really lonely, but I dug into my studies, and worked very Saturn-like at my studies, and it paid off with getting into Dartmouth.
I feel a real surge of energy, and I think it's coming from connecting with deity in a new way. (Interestingly, I just Googled "Dian-y-Glas" and my website came up! Freaky!) With the coming shifts in the economy, I'm leery of getting into anything about fame right now, but I also have to "follow the otter". The otter is leading me to writing this really cool children's story, which I think might have to do with the Blue God. I wrote a scene abut a peacock suddenly appearing in one of the two main characters' back yard. The peacock was sacred to Dian-y-Glas, and was also sacred to a couple of Egyptian gods as well. The peacock with its painted fan was all the more unusual because it has an immunity to asp-poison, and with the ibis, could guard pharaohonic individuals from attacks therefrom.
This story, like my other projects influenced by deity, is not writing itself in chrono order. It can get a little frustrating, but I just "follow the otter," which is a strategy also for the other main character. I'm wondering if this piece might not be a little like Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. I'm tempted to go back and re-read them, but the trilogy is being adapted to be a musical.
On an entirely different note, I saw the WGA nominations for Best Original Screenplay, and Best Adapted Screenplay.
Original:
The Aviator
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Garden State
Hotel Rwanda
Kinsey
Adapted
Before Sunset
Mean Girls (!)
Million Dollar Baby
The Motorcycle Diaries
Sideways
Now I'm actually rather impressed with these. Garden State wasn't a movie that sounded like one I wanted to see. I was sort of hoping that Birth would have gotten a nomination. But those five scripts are respectable, as are the five for adaptation. Mean Girls is a very pleasant surprise. I actually really liked that film. Tina Fey did a wondrous job with it. (Wonder if her last name has anything to do with the Craft. Just wondering.) I didn't see Before Sunset, but that won the Village Voice Critics' Poll of the best film and the best screenplay. I'm rather surprised it got a nomination, but I haven't seen the film. Perhaps I'll be owna-wayblay. But I rather doubt it. To me, the shocker: Finding Neverland didn't get a nod. My favorite movie an also-ran. Rats, you wuz robbed! Although I can't find fault with the noms as they are, really. C'est la vie du l'escriteur.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Abstinence from Sugar and Flour
Though I have my difficulties with what I see as selfish antics in the ranks of a certain 12-step fellowship, I must say that I have greatly benefited from following its take on AA's steps and traditions. I don't think they pay as much attention to the traditions as they could, but I take the viewpoint that the organization will mature over time, and as it loses a certain regional focus to become more international, then the traditions will become more appreciated as the tool for keeping us from tearing each other apart that it could be.
I feel torn right now from a different point of view, as that of a sponsor of someone who is struggling. It's important that I respect the person's anonymity and not give away any details about the person, for it is not my goal in this post to hold someone up and say "they're not getting it." The thing about my problems with said 12-step fellowship is that I understand in my blood and bones that I am working with someone possessed by the twin demons of flour and sugar. They are still exerting an influence on the sponsee, even though sugar and flour were long ago dispensed with. I had a very difficult conversation this evening with a person who acknowledged "I'm not really here." And even though the sponsee acknowledged They (polite form like Sie in German) were not here and that the conversation was just to check in, I felt there was an implicit request (demand?) that I help Them.
[Sidebar: I like using "They" in the German sense of the word, so as not to denote gender. It's Anglo-incorrect but Saxon-correct. Kinda funzel, no?]
Now, maybe I was projecting--something I can own, fair enough. I owned with my sponsee that I was wondering what I could do to help Them. But I wonder if what isn't going on is that because I'm wondering openly about the problems of the 12-step fellowship that the diseased aspect of the sponsee isn't using that against Themself. The sponsee sounded gone, and I was really at a loss as to what to do. And the sponsee kept asking me for help, and I didn't know what to say. Sometimes it feels like it's useless to tell someone to hook up with their higher power or to ask for surrender, which is the only thing that worked for me. Even though I grouse about this fellowship, especially that there isn't anyone there who "has what I want," I saw again tonight just how powerful the disease is. And I guess I'm writing this because I think I know what I need to do next about this, but I don't like the idea.
The rooms of any 12-step fellowship won't turn anyone away who has the desire to stop their compulsion. There are people who will work at a program for 20 years before it finally "takes". And even when a person puts down one compulsion, they'll find that another one springs up to take its place. The business of working on ourselves and owning our feelings can be grueling and not surprisingly, most of us want a vacation from something we can never ever get away from. Availing oneself of a sponsor and working with Them can be pretty hard. I've fired, been fired by or drifted away from sponsors in my time, that's for sure. Sometimes honest divergences take place while in a relationship with a sponsor, and that is just the way things go. I've also had to fire, been fired by or drifted away from sponsees as well. All of those relationships have been successful though, because the sponsor in question didn't pick up.
To really get the benefit of working with a sponsor, one really has to be ready for surrender. I'm not saying that someone who still picks up their "drug of choice" can't work with a sponsor, but I'm not sure what good it does. To keep coming back to a sponsor and saying "I couldn't keep it together" and begging for compassion seems pretty lame. The best 12-step rooms refuse to shoot our wounded. But sometimes it does seem that we have to push the wounded out there onto the battlefield if they're not willing to surrender to the convalescence process.
I'm really just sharing some thoughts that are coming out of my head as I wrestle with what to do with/for the sponsee. I don't feel I'm really dealing with the sponsee but that seductive and clueless False Self that we addicts get ourselves stoked hiding behind. When I was in my addiction, I have to say my False Self guy seemed like the man I really wanted to be. But I was having such a hard time and I couldn't acknowledge to myself that I was insane, doing the same things over and over again in all the different areas of my life and expecting different results. While I intellectually knew (and eventually the other parts of my life came to a sudden and devastating awareness as well) that sugar was slowly killing me, the other parts of me were too attached to what I thought sugar was giving me, to be able to even approach the thought of letting that go.
I was simply addicted. That's all there was to it.
And in the early stages of recovering from the addiction, I was so out-of-it and enraged and sad and hurt that I couldn't really do anything. I think I'm only now starting to feel the shock of it all wear off, two years after I started on this journey. I've been becoming aware of the person I have hidden underneath the weight, underneath that compulsive false self, who quite frankly others liked and even loved! But the new person emerging is not only lovable, but he's loving as well. I really want to give back to the world in a meaningful and constructive manner. But I see that I can't do some things.
I'll have more on this for another time, but I need to sort through some more thoughts. I also wanted to mention that in my illness, I've been trying something different with my breakfast. I've been opening a can of either tuna or salmon and dropping it into a 1/2cup of defatted chicken broth. I've been putting the fruit and my cereal and nuts together in another bowl. It's interesting. I think it puts me in a different frame of mind from the eggs I usually have, which I just dump into the fruit-cereal-nuts mixture.
Just another thought I'd share.
I feel torn right now from a different point of view, as that of a sponsor of someone who is struggling. It's important that I respect the person's anonymity and not give away any details about the person, for it is not my goal in this post to hold someone up and say "they're not getting it." The thing about my problems with said 12-step fellowship is that I understand in my blood and bones that I am working with someone possessed by the twin demons of flour and sugar. They are still exerting an influence on the sponsee, even though sugar and flour were long ago dispensed with. I had a very difficult conversation this evening with a person who acknowledged "I'm not really here." And even though the sponsee acknowledged They (polite form like Sie in German) were not here and that the conversation was just to check in, I felt there was an implicit request (demand?) that I help Them.
[Sidebar: I like using "They" in the German sense of the word, so as not to denote gender. It's Anglo-incorrect but Saxon-correct. Kinda funzel, no?]
Now, maybe I was projecting--something I can own, fair enough. I owned with my sponsee that I was wondering what I could do to help Them. But I wonder if what isn't going on is that because I'm wondering openly about the problems of the 12-step fellowship that the diseased aspect of the sponsee isn't using that against Themself. The sponsee sounded gone, and I was really at a loss as to what to do. And the sponsee kept asking me for help, and I didn't know what to say. Sometimes it feels like it's useless to tell someone to hook up with their higher power or to ask for surrender, which is the only thing that worked for me. Even though I grouse about this fellowship, especially that there isn't anyone there who "has what I want," I saw again tonight just how powerful the disease is. And I guess I'm writing this because I think I know what I need to do next about this, but I don't like the idea.
The rooms of any 12-step fellowship won't turn anyone away who has the desire to stop their compulsion. There are people who will work at a program for 20 years before it finally "takes". And even when a person puts down one compulsion, they'll find that another one springs up to take its place. The business of working on ourselves and owning our feelings can be grueling and not surprisingly, most of us want a vacation from something we can never ever get away from. Availing oneself of a sponsor and working with Them can be pretty hard. I've fired, been fired by or drifted away from sponsors in my time, that's for sure. Sometimes honest divergences take place while in a relationship with a sponsor, and that is just the way things go. I've also had to fire, been fired by or drifted away from sponsees as well. All of those relationships have been successful though, because the sponsor in question didn't pick up.
To really get the benefit of working with a sponsor, one really has to be ready for surrender. I'm not saying that someone who still picks up their "drug of choice" can't work with a sponsor, but I'm not sure what good it does. To keep coming back to a sponsor and saying "I couldn't keep it together" and begging for compassion seems pretty lame. The best 12-step rooms refuse to shoot our wounded. But sometimes it does seem that we have to push the wounded out there onto the battlefield if they're not willing to surrender to the convalescence process.
I'm really just sharing some thoughts that are coming out of my head as I wrestle with what to do with/for the sponsee. I don't feel I'm really dealing with the sponsee but that seductive and clueless False Self that we addicts get ourselves stoked hiding behind. When I was in my addiction, I have to say my False Self guy seemed like the man I really wanted to be. But I was having such a hard time and I couldn't acknowledge to myself that I was insane, doing the same things over and over again in all the different areas of my life and expecting different results. While I intellectually knew (and eventually the other parts of my life came to a sudden and devastating awareness as well) that sugar was slowly killing me, the other parts of me were too attached to what I thought sugar was giving me, to be able to even approach the thought of letting that go.
I was simply addicted. That's all there was to it.
And in the early stages of recovering from the addiction, I was so out-of-it and enraged and sad and hurt that I couldn't really do anything. I think I'm only now starting to feel the shock of it all wear off, two years after I started on this journey. I've been becoming aware of the person I have hidden underneath the weight, underneath that compulsive false self, who quite frankly others liked and even loved! But the new person emerging is not only lovable, but he's loving as well. I really want to give back to the world in a meaningful and constructive manner. But I see that I can't do some things.
I'll have more on this for another time, but I need to sort through some more thoughts. I also wanted to mention that in my illness, I've been trying something different with my breakfast. I've been opening a can of either tuna or salmon and dropping it into a 1/2cup of defatted chicken broth. I've been putting the fruit and my cereal and nuts together in another bowl. It's interesting. I think it puts me in a different frame of mind from the eggs I usually have, which I just dump into the fruit-cereal-nuts mixture.
Just another thought I'd share.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Whoa! Haven't blogged for a bit.
I didn't realize it was over a month since my last post. I've been hit by different viruses the last month. The first one was a two-stager--I felt the bug explode in my sinuses and was immediately sick. Was out for 3 days, went back to work and on the bus, I started to feel nauseous. At first I thought it was something I ate, but other people told me that it was the second part of the bug. I left work early and went home, vomited eventually and felt better. But I was out another 3 days.
A week went by, happy yule, I slept etc.
On New Years' Day I started sneezing up a storm. Again, I misdiagnosed, thinking this time it was just my allergies. It had been a particularly nice day in NYC. When I went to bed, I realized I had a sore throat and congestion. I stayed home one day this go-around, and I've been at work the past few days feeling sluggish and unmotivated. I have been thinking the causes for my illnesses might have been in part spiritual, however. All the stuff that's been happening in the world, especially the tsunami, has washed a lot of emotional up onto my emotional shores. I've had to feel other people's feelings and try to shield myself as best I can.
Just been very tired this month. And I think Saturn is transiting my IC, which means I feel especially stressed around my house. Oh, boy! It's true actually, I need to change the way I live my life in some fundamental ways.
Anyway, I'm typing this entry with my eyes closed, wishing I was at home in bed. Oh, well. I still have about 6 hours before I can eavelly-leavel-leave. I must out-it-stick.
Hopefully my blogging will improve over the next few weeks though. Don't feel like I have much to say, except I did get stepped up in my food fellowship. I am now a "full-service sponsor." And I've been having dreams about graduating from college over the last two weeks. Wonder what that's about.
A week went by, happy yule, I slept etc.
On New Years' Day I started sneezing up a storm. Again, I misdiagnosed, thinking this time it was just my allergies. It had been a particularly nice day in NYC. When I went to bed, I realized I had a sore throat and congestion. I stayed home one day this go-around, and I've been at work the past few days feeling sluggish and unmotivated. I have been thinking the causes for my illnesses might have been in part spiritual, however. All the stuff that's been happening in the world, especially the tsunami, has washed a lot of emotional up onto my emotional shores. I've had to feel other people's feelings and try to shield myself as best I can.
Just been very tired this month. And I think Saturn is transiting my IC, which means I feel especially stressed around my house. Oh, boy! It's true actually, I need to change the way I live my life in some fundamental ways.
Anyway, I'm typing this entry with my eyes closed, wishing I was at home in bed. Oh, well. I still have about 6 hours before I can eavelly-leavel-leave. I must out-it-stick.
Hopefully my blogging will improve over the next few weeks though. Don't feel like I have much to say, except I did get stepped up in my food fellowship. I am now a "full-service sponsor." And I've been having dreams about graduating from college over the last two weeks. Wonder what that's about.
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