Empress 12-Vesta Goat

Last week was both my Mayan birthday and my bellybutton birthday, as a fellow Pisces called it. I usually take off the anniversary of my umbilicus clipping, and since it was a Thursday this year, I also took the Friday off. My Mayan birthday was the day before, actually. I had been a bit sluggish last week, and I'm feeling a bit so again. Albany, New York is CCCCCCOOOOOLLLDDDD right now. (19 degrees, feels like 4.)

I have a draft post in reserve about a fantasy conversation I'd like to have at some point for real. But I'm realizing today, that I need to strive for humility. Yesterday was a Pisces New Moon, which I've read is a time to go deep into meditation and fantasy. I have lots of fantasies about community and being a part of a deeply reverent and loving existence. When I remember it, I realize I'm already there. I have grandiose fantasies of "being a resource" for others to turn to. I'm just another fellow who has his own understandings of what is happening around us, who also has the presence of mind to see that none of us has all the answers, and that the off-the-rack notions are so inadequate to the situation as to be laughable, were it not for the people who want to back it up with firepower. (Talk about being imbalanced on the Iron Pentacle. The Point of Power is balanced between Fear and Force. When we're in either of them, we are not right-sized.)

In any case, I've been meditating on the subversiveness of seeking to be right-sized. What an odd turn of affairs that it's become radical to wish to be "a part of." Werden die Wildnesse nie halten?

2 Wands/13 (Rhiannon) Wolf

It is so important for me to get a good night's sleep these days. More important than I can realize.

I had a positively luxurious morning today. And I got a lot out of doing my Iron and Pearl Pentacles, moreso in fact than in my meditation. That has happened in the past, but the cool thing was that when I contacted my Point of Wisdom (Left Foot, Pearl), I saw a white fellow, who just as likely could be yet another guide or my future best-and-brightest self. I couldn't tell exactly who he was, though he reminded me of a few fellows I've met in 12-step groups over the years.

That being said, when I recognized his ethnicity and commented as such, he said he could change his color at will, and became the Asian fellow I've so often seen before--perhaps as a holdover from the point-of-law (right foot, Pearl) with Kwan Yin there, doing calligraphy with Brigid. He also showed he could be black and a red fellow as well--seemingly Comanche-as-represented-by-Hollywood (not necessarily real Comanche) by the breast plate of bonemail. (Is "bonemail" a word? If not, it should be.)

I just want to say it's great to have a community of guides out there, watching out for me, watching with me as this life unfolds.

4 Swords - 12 Vesta Fire-Elemental

I meditated on "the void" this morning. Or rather, the void found me in my meditative state. It was powerfully frightening, to be suspended like that in what I experienced as a cold static. Into this strange mix, I encountered a singularly unpleasant "person". I put it in quotes, because "he" sort of appeared like a cartoon, almost. If "he" was human at all, "he" wore a mask of complete and utter hatred. When I saw this individual, I was physically in a state of in-between, and not really in control of my motor functions. It was like I was in some sort of psychic state of bondage, but my etheric arm reached out to the figure and tried to send him loving energy. He didn't want any of it, and when I tried to touch him, he brandished a knife.

Perhaps that wasn't a good idea, but I've had good luck in sending light and love to darkened creatures. It's happened with intention and spontaneously both. A psychic friend of mine told me years ago there's an entity that hangs around me, who is extremely pissed off that I seem to have been able to shake off a couple of my addictions. I have had a picture of him in the past as being sort of a Dr. Strange sort of fellow, though this guy reminded me of a cross between Bob Hoskins and Jack Elam, with a green bowler--sort of an evil leprechaun but not that tiny. I know that some people/entities are invested in their darknesses and it's none of my business. Perhaps this was a not-so-subtle reminder about that little wrinkle that could spoil a whole bunch of fantasies. I don't know. But I'm finding it interesting that I feel a sort of joyous calm as I type these words. There's something "mondo-beyondo" happening here, and while it's not altogether pleasant, I have to say there's something oddly peaceful about what I'm experiencing these days.

Interesting too, that today should connect Vesta with the Fire-Elemental ("that which is behind me"). A fire goddess and a fire creature together for the day. Just another interesting oddity.

11s and "the orthogonal matrix"

Just an odd little post: I saw on Tim Boucher's site that someone had posted about weird signs related to the numbers 11 and 22. I realized just now that I had drawn the Strength card from the Cosmic Tribe deck, which corresponds to Eleven, and it happens to be an Eleven Flint day on the Mayan Calendar (Eleven Lamb in the Cinnumeg Calendar as it were). I also noticed that, upon logging into astroworld.us, I saw their latest post had 77 comments and then the next time I looked, it was up to 88. Just an odd little synchronicity.

I also checked up on Lightworker.com because on the first and 15th of every month, they update different areas on their site. In the "Beacons of Hope" section, they talk about something that got me to think about my weird dreams where I feel like I'm bilocating to some other place. Food for thought on all the signs seeming to come together somehow. I like the wildness and unpredictability of it, but I must also confess, I'd love to know more things than what I do. It unfolds without my assistance, as always.

Strength/11 (Jesus) Lamb

For some reason, I feel all nervous inside. Some days I get this way. I can't claim to understand why. It's Valentine's Day and my boyfriend and I are going out to dinner tonight. I had odd dreams again last night. Yesterday, I felt I was witnessing something "in real time" that was unfolding apparently in some English or Scottish town. I don't know--are there any instances of a serial killer who's involved in profiling white bisexual men? I seemed to be witness to some sort of investigation, albeit virtually. I felt a little like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol visiting the parties that were going on during that Christmas Present, only instead of being with the Ghost of Christmas Present, I was in what felt like a clear-barriered case of some sort. Virtual plexiglass as it were. Have no idea why my dream-reality would want to show me such a thing. I also had a similar thing happen this morning, but I can't remember what I was witness to.

Today I woke up feeling really tired for some reason. Yesterday, I felt the same way, and I thought it was due to having had a late night on Saturday. (Interestingly, Jody and I saw Match Point and there's a moment in the film that's not unlike what I experienced yesterday morning, involving a police officer in an investigation. Huh. Perhaps I was dreaming about that, but in a semi-literal CSI: Edinpool way.)

Note: I put this entry away for a bit and returned to it after having lunch and going outside to speak more with someone about easing my debt-situation. I wonder now if my tiredness today and yesterday didn't have to do with the strange experiences I've been having in the mornings. They feel like dreams, but they feel also like something else. Perhaps it is as PKD has said, and that other people have said as well, that All Time Is Now. And that I'm seeing bleedthrough of something that is "future" or "past" or "present"--does it really matter? Perhaps it's just how I'm connecting with the "Inner Net" right now. I don't know.

Also wanted to make note that I'm re-reading again Thomas Moore's Care of the Soul. I read this book once a year, at odd times. Last year I read it in the spring, so now I'm reading it inside the Imbolc-Ostara Window. I'll have to start thinking of it that way in the future. I like divying up the year into eighths and thinking about how right now "Spring is in the ground, but winter's still in the air." And between Ostara and Beltane, Spring will be both above and below ground. It's definitely helping me to ground, which at the moment is rather difficult for some earthly(?) reason.

4 Wands/10 (Hermes) Angel

Some days it's hard to write stuff down. It's totally counterintuitive that I should have a day like this and not blog. I hate to speak of why, since I'm typing these words in that period between lunch hour and knock-off time, but I suppose intrepid readers might be able to parse between the lines.

Nonetheless, I feel that I need to blog about something that has been vexing me, and I'm sure vexes a lot of people. I'm in debt. I hate being in debt. I've been in debt non-stop since I was 18, actually. First it was undergraduate loans and a paltry credit card. Then I got deeper into credit card debt and slowly dug myself out of that, only to put it on again. I had a debt to my college which took 10 years of their withholding my diploma to pay off. Actually, I feel that this was a real accomplishment, though I pooh-poohed it at the time. But it took years of being prodded and of wanting that diploma, not that I've even framed it or anything.

Then I went ahead and got myself into graduate school, the singularly best thing about which was that I got myself to New York City and somehow through the grace of ye Goddess and Gods and God/dess-lings, into recovery programs and a whole new way of apprehending the spiritual aspects of life. I was able to completely pay down one credit card when I got into recovery at a much deeper level, and then the "Whack-a-mole" system took over.

I see what I did. I merely substituted a couple of addictions for the ones I'd been addressing, and went to town with money and food. Food brought me to my knees first, but I'm still struggling with the debting situation, which began with what at the time seemed an OK thing to do--to go into debt to try and get my playwriting career jump-started. I produced a play on credit cards, and when I got depressed about the outcome, comforted myself by buying a whole bunch of books.

This debt thing I know I share with others. I know that I'm not alone, but I have wondered to myself if

I am doomed

in light of all the dark stuff that is transpiring around us all.

I mean, seriously--are debtor's concentration camps coming back into the consciousness a la Charles Dickens and all those horrid British taskmaster cunts like Uriah Heep and Scrooge? Pluto is getting to the end of Sagittarius, which means it's about to enter CaPRICKorn, the Scrooge sign par excellence. (As an addict, I am a real pro at conspiracizing. But it's true too, that if you're not paranoid, either you don't have enough information or you have been able to transcend the mishagoss. I have days like that, really. I do. More and more frequently.)

I wrote on my blog over a year ago that Bill Wilson of AA Fame told me in a meditation that we all lived in a "Distribution Camp." In other words, the barbed wire and the gas chambers and the Capos and the Sadistic Guards, etc. of all of our worst Auschwitz macabre fantastical nightmares are all things we carry with us. "Never again," was never really true as it "Never Stopped." Just mutated into a more genteel, happy-face vision. I was struck by Morris Berman's notion in The Twilight of American Culture that the American vision of fascism would be more perky and filled with prat-falls. Lucy Ricardo, Sturm-und-Drang Trooper, with a chorus of militarized cheerleaders screaming "Take World," rather than "Take State"--that seems to be the marching orders de la derecho. Con Sparkle-fingers no menos.

My boyfriend pointed out to me that the whole MONEY-Shitballs aspect of civilized existence can bring me to the point of defeat even before I muster the courage to face what's going on. He pointed that out to me when I was looking for work in the Albany area once I knew I was moving here. I know that part of the MONEY thing is that I'm living with my parents' fears of depression and deprivation, and that as I've lived more of my life, I see how I have unconsciously duplicated some of my parents' actions out of unconscious fear. My parents did declare bankruptcy in 1981. I don't feel that's an option I can exercise, as the banks and credit card companies have taken away that possibility as they seemingly were meant to do--not so much because they're evil malefactors charged with Archonic destruction, but because they seem to be meant to help all of us understand what we don't want. We don't want to live feeling as if our lives belong to someone else. We don't want to feel enslaved by the fact we need to breathe clean air, eat decent and nutritious food, have outlandishly nurturing and joyous sex with another (or others) of our delicious loving, and to live inside beauty.

I am yet another person who wishes to get off the grid, and I feel that on some level, I'm joining with those mysterious others who are "seeking to sneak over to the machine of civilization and put sugar in its gas tank." Back in the 90s, when I was in my obstreperous and addiction-fueled 20s, I mused about finding that poison pill that the corporatocracy would eat out of its incessant coprophagia, that would act to kill the beast once and for all. After all that, I'm not sure the effort was something that was worth as much attention as I gave it, but at the same time, I see the benefit of creating a Death-Vulture symbiosis out of the Mayan calendar. My Mayan Day Sign is Death, and it seems to be about creating the situations wherein people wake up to how things aren't working for themselves anymore. The old fixes don't work, and new fixes are just as pathetic as the old ones. Death as Day-Sign as I experience it is about the 6th Step, ("Were entirely ready to have God/dess remove all these defects of character") which is necessarily about getting to a place where the pain of continuing as we did before is worse than the pain of changing.

Vulture (which is btw, my boyfriend's day-sign) is about taking the structures in place when this realization is reached, and going on from that point. Converting the remains of what is defunct, ruined, moribund into the foundation for the next flourishing turn of a collection of lives, sort of like what goes on in a Philip K. Dick novel. (I'm thinking of Dr. Bloodmoney especially.) But I think also knowing full well that this new structure is organic and is as much about dying and being recycled as was the previous one.

I took a step today about my debts. I'm nervous about it, because it means I have to let someone else see the wreckage of my life. Ugh. But I also know it's my propensity to hold onto stuff way beyond the expiraiton date in secrecy and silence (in civilization or Ruiz's word "domestication", we just do things secretly and silently, stealing in stealth). So I took a step toward healing my MONEY wounds today. A little bit of pain isn't anything to be afraid of. I may be rejected, I may be partially accepted or accepted in full. Whatever, it's Divine Will and I will accept it.

I didn't intend to write a long post. (Obviously I did have the time. ) But there we go. 4 of Wands in the Cosmic Tribe is "Reward." (If I get a chance to I'll link to it later.) And Persephone/Sphinx are my deities of the day. It's all about facing the stuff hidden inside and accessing higher wisdom. Curry Chicken! (Joke: Chinese for Curry Chicken: Ga li ji.)

(A Little Laugh by T. Hee and R. Arar!)

9 of Wands/7 (Star Goddess) Fairy

A couple of links that are quite interesting:

First: http://www.planetwaves.net/contents/clover.html for a discussion of magickal correspondences that will spice up the day.

http://civillibertarian.blogspot.com for a person who, like me has woken up to the larger addiction surrounding us all. It appears I should re-read Brave New World again.

In the Cosmic Tribe Tarot, the 9 of wands is the "community" card. It appears that today, I'm finding common cause across the web. Sort of interesting how that works.

Also, it appears that from the Archons' point-of-view, we are right on schedule for apocalypse. I wonder how all of our divinities will intervene to avert catastrophe or if it will even happen...

The Three Fingers of Fate

that being of course, homophobia.

I've been quietly observing the insanity of admitted homophobes who celebrate their finger-pointing at gay men and lesbians. I wonder about their diet mostly. Would the old Dan White "Twinkie defense" apply to these people. David Brock pithily commented about Ann Coulter in Blinded by the Right that she seemed to survive on "cigarettes and Chardonnay." When I read admitted homophobes' rantings, I can't help but think of my Dad when he was soused. He drank a case of beer a day for decades and I got to a point where I deeply hated the shell of a man he had become. Because of that mediating factor of booze, I don't think I really got to know the man, and now he has the Alz, as I like to call Alzheimer's. Perhaps because of all that aluminum that floated around in the beer which was packaged in cans made of the not-for-human exposure stuff. (That being said, I do use foil to bake/roast my veggies.)

I can't help but think of these people that way because they remind me of any and every addict I've ever met, no matter what their political persuasion or how integrated they may seem to be. There's just something breathlessly addled about these folks. It's like I can hear the shallow breath behind the words they've typed/spoken into the ether, as if they were overweight wheat-allergics still eating flour and tipping the scales at 300 pounds (like I used to), wheezing as they lift themselves up another flight of stairs.

I write these words in part because I sort of identify with their predicament--that they see what I see, that their lives are swirling down the drain and they have to clutch at some scapegoat so as to not see their own role in the situation. When someone points their finger, after all--well, most 12-step people know where this is going--

3 fingers are pointing back at them.

(Perhaps past/present/future, or mind/heart/soul or father/son/holy ghost or maiden/mother/crone anyone?)

I know that P.Ro and R.Kni and G.Bu and D.Che and P.Bu and J.Fa and J.Do are all sick and suffering folks who feel they must lash out at "the infernal Other" but ultimately call their attention back to their batshit crazy selves. They refuse to see their own role in the cesspool around them, and so foreclose any opportunity of real change in their lives. Instead these people think they can will everyone to hate the people they hate, and wonder why all these people get mad at them. Brokeback Mountain and all the other Oscar-nominated films must be a real kick in the fists for them, bucking up to try to put the focus on the triple-finger self-directed threat they're running away from.

Think of it--these people suffer under the delusion that others want what they have. I don't know anyone who wants what Pat Robertson has, not his millions and certainly not his ethics or lack thereof. But that's archonic-addictive thought for you. I wonder if some of these people will ever wake up or if their addictions will shoo them into their graves before too long. I know that some of these people are bound and determined to shoo others into their graves, and may justify it as a mode of creating "heaven on earth." Pretty blood-soaked heavenly vision they have, all in all. Not much they can say to that, except to laugh a bit hysterically not unlike Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors.

Ace of Wands 6 (Freyja) Griffon

Each passing day, when I log onto L'Entreseine, I marvel at how Alice-in-Wonderland it all is. I consult a couple of astrological websites--http://www.astroworld.us and http://www.planetwaves.net and http://www.handclow2012.com amongst others to see what sorts of celestial/galactic elements are at play. I also check in with my guides constantly, and I walk myself through various divinations. I recently consulted the Toltec Oracle of Victor Sanchez, and it's very curious that I keep getting three cards again and again. One of which says "go on a vision quest"--(Manik, the Deer). Odin led me on a medicine walk last year in April, which led me to meeting my boyfriend (WOWZA WOWZA WOWZA!!!) and also quickened my move up here to the Capital District. I wonder which deity will lead me on this next one, though I have the deepest sense that the timing of this full-on VQ with the 4 days in the wild, fasting and communing with nature in its deepest sense (at least as deep as we can get inside der Schwarzeisen Gefaengnis) will emerge of its own accord.

One of the cards I also get is Ehekatl -- Wind/Spirit. In this last reading, I was told that I need to shift my paradigms of thought. Well, duh! I've been aware of that even moreso since moving to Albany. I'm in that place of the trajectory of the addict where "nothing seems to work anymore." Clearly I'm hitting bottom about this whole Empire shtick, and long for a way out. Actually, I long for a shovel to start digging the tunnel that will lead me to the life beyond my wildest dreams, that will, in the words of Bill Wilson, "rocket us into the fourth dimension." (Kind of funny to find such psychedelic lingo in The Big Book of AA, but there it is in the chapter "A Vision for You.") Being abstinent from sugar and flour since March 9, 2003 has given me a much clearer perspective on the life I'm leading/the lives we are all leading and the collective lies we are all telling ourselves.

What is going on with the U.S. right now is the endgame of a national pattern of addiction, only what's transpiring is the opposite of where I am. I am in a state of seeking surrender to Divine Will and the Right Use of Personal Will therewith to align. I see the still-suffering addicts who are drunk on their own Power-Over Toxins, their L'Etat C'est Nous belief-drugs, who see their entire world going into the Crapper, and they are caught in the insane spiral of taking the same actions again and again with the confident and misplaced expectations (premeditated resentments) that this time a different result will emerge. "You don't like that? Well let me threaten and control and manipulate and extort from and control you more!!!!" Yeah, that'll lahrn mih.

Al-Anon taught me years ago that I can't control other people, nor should I even seek to. Likewise, others' attempts at controlling me are destined to fail. Fool me once, etc. I learn my lessons, and am very skilled at broken-recording others attempts to coerce me. I know I can be manipulated, coerced and become resentful, and that while someone else may be dealing with the problem of sociopathy, I still have choices. I still have a Divine Will to hook up and align with and that helps me to chart a correct path.

All this being said, I need to say I'm tired of all lies, whether I speak them or others do. The Corporo-coprophagia and its spectacle of ex(cess)ecreation that surrounds us I see with the saturated nausea it naturally creates and deserves. If only the sticky sludge would collect up a whole bunch of paper and disappear like that Tuttle character in Terry Gilliam's Brazil. Sure, I can dream, can't I?

It probably will disappear in a cloud of smoke at some point in the not too distant future, whether it's the fall of the economic house of cards or a more fiery infernale befitting President Don Giovanni, I'm not qualified to say. I don't mean this to be a downer post, though my meditation this morning was a bit strange. Hecate and Cerridwen appeared to me like zombies, though Persephone and Hades mocked them for it. ("We're the King and Queen of the Goddamn Underworld, this is so amateur hour! Those gals take themselves too seriously." "Oh, shut up!" Cer & Hec cried.) I ended up dancing with each one of them by turns. Hecate hissed at me, and I don't know what that was about. There was some message there, what I couldn't tell you.

All in all, I feel like I'm making some strong and beneficial choices. I don't understand it all, I still choose to align with Divine Will as I understand it, to choose to trust myself and my own divine spark. I feel that others around me are doing the same, and some are waking up and I have the joyous obligation to assist in that. I'm broaching the topic of peak oil with some people and it's not being dissed out-of-hand. I'm also wanting to take my finances to task and deal with the financial aspects of what's going on too. Another confusing-ass mystery to wade into!

Still. I wonder if something monstrously huge is afoot. I know something is, and what that is, may be better or worse than my fantasies. The unfolding continues...

7 of Swords, 5 (Hades) Chimera

I need to try to show up to my weblog every day. That being said, there are some days when I really don't wish to do much of anything at all. I've blogged on this before, I realize. Sometimes it's just what one has to do. "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly," is a slogan I adopted once I heard it some years ago at an Al-Anon meeting. (There's a despair.com poster entitled "Incompetence" which shows a skier falling down a mountain with the caption "If you can't do soemthing well, learn to enjoy doing it badly." Si, es verdad!)

I did have a good meditation today. Hermes spoke with me about a couple of things, one of which has to do with my decision to let Jesus and Rhiannon be my West God and East Goddess respectively. The Gods and Goddesses like the variety. Sure they may have a difficult relationship with someone once in awhile. I noticed that Arianrhod didn't exactly ingratiate herself with the others, but she was but one replacement for Cerridwen when she went away from me for the period from approxmately Yule to Yule. They loved Branwen, Rhiannon & Kwan Yin. They could work with the others, even Arianrhod with her prickliness. So, suffice it to say, I'll work with Jesus and Rhiannon until Ostara and we'll see who comes up next to partner Cerridwen and Dian-y-Glas respectively.

Also, Hermes is acting as the patron of a whole passel of creative projects. I visualize a building made out of light, with "tassels" at each of its eight corners. I'm unraveling one of those tassels now--it's a short-story about that Rapture thingy out of Christian eschatology. I am interested in seeing the self-selected aspect of this concept, that people basically choose their heavens. It's to be set at a high school, and I'll post it here, once I am finished with a draft thereof.

I drew the 7 of Swords today as my card. Urges generally a focus on truth and not letting highly charged distractions get in the way of this focus. Whether it applies to me or to the world, I leave up to the discerning eye.

A Mayan Correspondence System

Today, I had a rather mindblowing moment of meditation. I hadn't set out to do anything more than do my Ha prayer, hopefully do pentacle work (which I neglected, sadly), meditate for 20 minutes and write my morning pages (which I shorten to "AM pages"). I had a hard time focusing on my Ha prayer, and my meditation itself was all over the place. But I checked in with my pantheon, and I noticed a rather unusual occurrence.

What happens when I check in with the deities in my pantheon? I clear a space, and let whoever come forward. Sometimes all 9 of my deities would come forward. Sometimes a couple or even three or four. Today, Freyja came into my consciousness and she brought with her Odin (no big surprise there), Hades & Persephone. Now, I've actually worked with all four of these deities as a quartet before. I don't exactly understand how their energies work together, but they do seem to like each other. So I started asking about that.

It turns out, that my pantheon needed to expand today. It had actually been expanded without my knowing it--this sort of thing has happened with me before. But today, I was given another divination tool, to work as a sort of personal supplement with the Mayan Calendar.

I have written before about "my personal totem pole," and that I also have a second totem pole of "magical creatures." My personal totem pole includes from Root chakra to crown: Iguana, Goat, Beaver, Otter, Hawk, Bear, Deer. The Magical creatures are: Dragon, Chimera, Griffon, Fairy (don't ask me which kind--my fairy has a chip on hir/hes [sic] shoulder), Phoenix, Sphinx and Angel (again, I don't know the angel's name, but I have had only peripheral contact with the Entity). I also have 6 other animals/elementals that roughly correspond with the 4 directions, up and down: Starting with North, Butterfly, Jaguar, Fire Elemental, Wolf, Lamb & Earth Elemental.

Well: The animals add up to 20. I have a pantheon of 13. Together they form a system very similar to the Mayan Calendar, with its 13 tones and 20 day-signs. I don't exactly know how the two systems are meant to work with each other, and will have to do some research into this and let people know how it works. But there's another situation brewing in my consciousness at the moment, and I have some very powerful faith that "all is well." (OK, cue the sound of a gong/bell/multiple tintinnabulations aplenty!)

This is sort of how it works for the time being:

God/dess-Tones:
1-Dian-y-Glas; 2-Krom; 3-Cerridwen; 4-Hecate; 5-Hades; 6-Freyja; 7-Star Goddess; 8-Odin; 9-Proserpina; 10-Hermes; 11-West God (tbd--using Jesus for the moment); 12-Vesta; 13-East Goddess (using Rhiannon for the time being).

Day-signs:
1-Iguana, 2-Goat, 3-Beaver, 4-Otter, 5-Hawk, 6-Bear, 7-Deer, 8-Earth Elemental, 9-Butterfly, 10-Jaguar, 11-Dragon, 13-Chimera, 14-Griffon, 15-Fairy, 16-Phoenix, 17-Angel, 18-Lamb, 19-Fire Elemental, 20-Wolf

This is subject to change, as I get the day-sign and deity correspondences right. This is just a working draft for the moment. Will keep you posted.

Btw, my Mayan birthday is the day before my actual birthday this year. 2/22/06 = Freyja-Bear or 6-Death. Yipply-skippel-skip, Batzman, Batzman!

(Batz--Mayan for Monkey, Day sign 11. T. Hee!)

Update: I have decided to work with Jesus as my West God and Rhiannon as my East Goddess for the time being. This may change, but as I'm working with them already, it only makes sense. Also I changed the title of this post. Sometimes I just get into a mood. . .

A fantasy conversation

I talk to myself, it's true. More like I envision different scenarios and I just bring to it wherever I am at the moment. It's rather interesting, all in all. At least to me. But I have this fantasy of being seen as a "resource" by a small town where people get together in their churches and Elks clubs and the like to have community-wide discussions.

Sometimes I envision that I'm part of a "debate" which is really more a one-sided opportunity arranged by a devious, toxic-belief-addled preacher and his henchmen, where I'm sort of selected as a meat puppet to pound into the ground.

The thing is, the biggest question that I have to ask anyone who's a part of any community and cares about the people therein is, "Who has what you want?" And when I ask that question, I'm not talking about stuff--bigger cars, palatial houses, status, etc. I'm talking about who has peace of mind, who seems to rise to different occasions that might bring someone else to their knees, who brings a smile to your face. When I think about those people in my life, and there have been quite a few, I think to myself, "I want what they have." And then I do the things that they say they do to make their lives more spacious and joyful. I don't focus on what the "feared and hated other" is doing. They've already established that they don't have what I want. And I'm grateful to Pat Robertson and the other toxic-belief vampires (aka "cunts", using the process of metonymy where the part stands in for the whole, and referencing the onomatopoetic sound their fangs make upon insertion into skin--grunt: laborer as cunt:vampire) for acting as beacons of negativity, blaring out their message "Do not go here, there's nothing for you!"

I wouldn't necessarily point to myself as an exemplar for someone else to follow, though in the contrast with Reverend Cuntheart, I might offer a vision of some other possibility at least. In my fantasy I get people to dream a little about what they deeply want, which I think is what we all want.

HOME.

In part I'm having these thoughts because I feel "my best and brightest self" is pointing me toward trying to have this conversation with people. For me I like to turn to films to help point the direction. Thomas Bezucha, the director of The Family Stone which was in theaters here in Albany at least as of last week, directed a movie that I have watched eight or nine times, and have cried while viewing almost every time. Big Eden isn't the greatest film in the world, but it sparks that awareness of HOME. And I have a feeling it's probably one of the best conversation-starters out there for the lives we all wish we could lead. Big Eden shows me that others are dreaming the vision, and I can add my energy into that, to create a town such as Big Eden, Montana for real.

I have a strong sense that there's some movement afoot unbeknownst to me No Distrito Capital do Nova Iorque. (Excusame--Deseo falar o portugues, pro no tenho muita experiencia na lengua.) I'm here, and I"m clear and queer and I'm not going anywhere any time soon. But I want to be a part of that something larger that sweetly includes anyone who wishes to join and has the willingness to pick up whatever tasks need to be cultivated to safeguard, nourish, maintain and help a community to thrive.

So as this goes on, people can select themselves out for whatever pathway best meets their needs. And I'm afraid a lot of people are choosing their own deaths somehow. Perhaps I am too, I'm not sure. I often wonder, though a couple of my guides (Freyja, Odin and Hades, of all gods!), seem to indicate that I just might be surving whatever Ragnarok is heading our way.

Just something I thought I should post, all of a sudden. I also work with Hecate, goddess of witches and the crossroads. (I have a slightly different take on the goddess than goroadachi. She's a bit of a trickster, but she's also a vulnerable goddess. When that whole English circle thing broke, with the dead dogs etc., I thought to myself, "they're abusing the goddess, damn it." And she took leave of me to heal from the abusive actions of so-called worshippers. (Basically "Deity Rehab" if you can imagine.) Goddesses have to take care of themselves too.

Anyway, I had written this song many years ago. And I've retooled it and renamed it:

"Hecate's Prayer for the Common American" by The Disappearing Chef

[After a period of calling south*, then calling south passim]
There you lie, in tatters shredded by your vulture culture
Now I shall gather ye up, and stitch together a quilt

Could it be that you have gone too far?
You've gone clean right off that edge!
Centers have not held for such a long time now
You turn heads bravely toward
What you see down the road
Looming out in the distance
Hurricane forces of your concoction,
Our mindful furies, creating destruction
Mechanized monsters, pounding your spirits
into certain oblivion

Here o here, I'm standing next to you
At this cross roads: Whither your annihilation?
This white, white pained face
remembers you
I'm crying for you
I'm praying for you
Appreciating you
Smiling at you
Wondering which course you'll set yourselves now to take.
[Call south till end]

* "Calling south" is my name for a certain kind of snapping/body percussion I use when I sing certain songs I've written. It's kind of frustrating, but I doubt I'll be able to perform most of these songs except in small clubs and the like, if I ever get around to putting the stuff out there, which I'm kinda loath to do for some reason, and yes self-sabotage could be a part of it. Hecate for sure would love for this to get out there. Anyway, there ya go!

Some inspirations

I read another website--http://wakeupfromyourslumber.blogspot.com/2006/01/blogs-not-ballots.html and I have been inspired. Also, I just posted something that I had put in as a draft about 3 weeks ago, (the previous post, q.v.) which has led me to start thinking about My Littleton Play as a series of short films, collectively entitled My Littleton Project. Though as I look at it, I see that each film could be it's own more-or-less feature-length script. There are places where I can add action and break up the script from feeling like a filmed play.

Anyway, I was inspired by "wakeupfromourslumber" to blog-blog-blog. It's Imbolc these days, so it's time to do a bit o' sprucing up.

Also, I've been enlightened about yet another addiction I must surrender, this time debting/underearning. There aren't many DA meetings in Albany, however. In fact, there's only one and it was two nights ago. Oh well.

One of the things that's going through my mind right now is that this reality is really very fluid and it seems to overlap with other realities. At least that's what my most recent dreams seem to be saying. It's quite odd, because I had the MLP dream last month, and the past few days I've been dreaming about co-existing dual realities. Like I had a dream where my New York apartment had the facade of the house in Littleton I grew up in, but my NYC neighbor was emerging from the house saying she was moving. And another dream called forth a fellow I had a crush on in college, and he was simultaneously working in a big-box Costco/Loew's Depot type warehouse-store AND vacationing in the mountains. (A Big-box store, with ice-floes and rushing creek!) So in a way, that was a triple reality.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep this up. Perhaps as it gets busy at my workplace, it'll be easier.