So I'll hopefully get back into blogging a bit later, but for now I'm sort of out-of-commission.
Still, I did write something fun. I don't remember what blog I read it on, but one of the LGBTQ sites made a remark in passing that gay people aren't ever asked to evaluate str8 relationships, but so many of these busybodies on the batshit-crazy toxic-belief-addict religious right feel they can judge ours. So I thought, what a funny idea: A reality show where queer celebs judge whether two het's are sufficiently matched to become engaged. Ergo:
QUEER EYE FOR THE KNOT-TIE
______________________________
A Comedy Sketch by Cinnumeg
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SION TEIKEDALL Our wonderful, obnoxious, obsequious host!
MELINDA LINDEN-READE Game show contestant bride. Darien blueblood with a guilty
conscience.
BRENT BURLEYSON Game show contestant groom. Trailer trash good ol’ boy
AYN O’LYNGIS Celebrity judge – sex advice columnist.
HELLEN O’DONNELL TRUMPEATER Celebrity judge – talk show host.
RANDIE Celebrity judge – pop singing sensation genderbender.
The action takes place in front of a studio audience.
SETTING & AT RISE:
The set of “Queer Eye for the Knot-Tie.” SL are two stands representing the Bride and Groom. On the Bride’s stand is a phone. SR sit the Three Judges: HELLEN O’DONNELL TRUMPEATER, the ferocious dyke talk show host; AYN O’LYNGIS, the sex columnist with a chip on his shoulder; and the amazing RANDIE, androgynous pop singing sensation. SION TEIKEDALL, the good-looking host runs in.
SION
Good evening, and welcome to “Queer Eye for the Knot-Tie,” the controversial show where people who can’t get married except in Massachusetts sit in gleeful judgment over those who have the dubious privilege of getting their partnerships sanctioned by the State.
HELLEN
And speaking as one who’s been there, done that, let me say it is most dubious, thank you very much!
SION
Yes, I don’t see why we don’t just go to Civil Unions for Everyone, but then again, that may just be why I’m a game show host and not a politician.
AYN O’LYNGIS
That and your prize endowment, big boy.
RANDIE
Heavens, I’m all a vapor!
SION
Well, let me introduce our usual panel of judges. He’s an outrageous sex columnist with a blog called “Pick-A-Pecker” and he’s most delightful when he’s sharp-tongued, give a hand for Ayn O’Lyngis!
AYN O’LYNGIS
Thank you, thank you to all those dicks and pussies that need my attention. Especially the former!
SION
Butt of course! And then we have the ubiquitous and saucy talk show host who’s burning down the house and taking no prisoners, give it up for Hellen O’Donnell Trumpeater!
HELLEN
I know, I know, you all want to be me. H-O-T, that’s me baby!
SION
And last but certainly not least, our most devastating viper because Randie only means well, our pop singing sensation whose gender is FAAAAAAA-BULOUS! Please welcome the amazingly talented Randie!
RANDIE
Hi, al. Trés fabu to be here, I’m sure.
SION
OK, OK, I know you’re all the reason we watch the show, but the reasons we’re here are waiting offstage. So without further adieu, let us meet the ones who want our Queer Eyes to Check Yes for Tying the Knot. He’s a self-described good ol’ boy living in St. Louis, but hailing from Whiskey Holler, South Carolina. Raised on Swanson dinners and Mac n’ Cheese that his Momma still makes in their repo trailer home, please welcome Brent Burleyson!
(BRENT BURLEYSON, a lovable doofus, enters. He wears a baseball cap and a long-sleeve t-shirt.)
BRENT
Hello, everyone. Thank you kindly Sean.
SION
That’s Si-on, Sir.
BRENT
D’Oh!
SION
Yes. Well, let’s meet your intended now. A PhD candidate with a Master’s in French Literature from the University of Connecticut who’s also a self-proclaimed expert in French cuisine, please welcome Melinda Linden-Reade to the show.
(MELINDA LINDEN-READE, a rather unassuming but sharp-eyed and stiff woman, enters.)
MELINDA
Hello, everyone. Charmed I’m sure.
HELLEN
So, Melinda, mon chat. Do you have a favorite French delicacy?
MELINDA
I’m partial to bouillabaisse.
AYN O’LYNGIS
Fishy eh? I see.
RANDIE
Antoine, stop! It’s all down into the sewer with you, isn’t it?
HELLEN
Hey, sometimes the tastiest fish comes from some deep diving, if you know what I mean.
AYN O’LYNGIS
Oh, don’t mind her, girl. She thinks every woman prefers muff to meat.
SION
Well! Before we let this get too sang-Freudian, we’ll transition now into our first challenge for our intended bride and groom. Before the show began, we took each of you aside and asked you both the same question, which was “it’s your squeeze’s parents anniversary in a couple of weeks, and your intended would like for you to get them a gift.” Each of you has answered the question, and now the challenge is to guess what your partner would gift wrap to give to your parents. Now, the judges are going to be paying attention to whether you two are on the same wave-length but also, they will be evaluating their gifts and people who would at some day like to have that same honor. This challenge is worth up to 60 points. Melinda, since you seem to be the more educated one in this to-be family—
BRENT
Hey, I resentuate that remark.
SION
Resentuate away, dear friend. First why don’t you describe your parents a little. What are we dealing with here?
MELINDA
Oh, they’re your average Darien parents. Dad drives his Mercedes SUV and Mom’s on a lot of charity boards.
HELLEN(lockjawed)
Yes, typical Darien everyday! Top Drawer of course.
AYN O’LYNGIS
Fwa-fwa-fwa.
MELINDA
Oh, but Dad does a lot of pro bono work.
AYN O’LYNGIS
Hey, I’m pro boner too! Why haven’t I heard of him?
SION
So Melinda, what do you think Brent would get your parents for their anniversary?
MELINDA
Well, it’s so interesting you would ask that question, Sion because his parents 30th is coming up. But since you’re asking me about what he’d get mine. . . I don’t know.
SION
There is a time limit, Melinda. The clock is ticking.
MELINDA
Well, I don’t know. My parents talk to him about the region of South Carolina he came from. I think maybe he’d get them some fine heirloom from the Low Country that only he and his friends know about.
(A buzzer sounds. The audience groans.)
SION
I’m sorry, that is incorrect. Brent? What did you say?
BRENT
Now, hon I don’t hold it against you. I’d be a man of surprises, like you was alluding to, but I’d get my buddies and family to he’p chip in and get your parents two bus tickets to join us for a right old Whiskey Holler festival for them to whip up a tune for!
MELINDA(horrified)
Oh, no, Brent! You really shouldn’t!
BRENT
Oh, tain’t no trouble at all, lassie. It’d be a swell ride from Hartford to Charleston and a slide down a pig in a poke right into my old Homestead, a’s right! See how we do things down there.
MELINDA
Where’s this coming from? We’ll talk about it later.
RANDIE
Well, I do declare, I sense an old Connecticut chill descending across this Maxson-Dissin’ line!
MELINDA & SION
That’s Mason-Dixon.
RANDIE
What-EV-er!
SION
Speaking of What-EV-er, it’s time to find out what ye olde judges think of Melinda’s answer and Brent’s gift. Ayn, let’s take you first.
AYN O’LYNGIS
Well, I’d say that the gift itself is a mite extravagant for Brent and his homies, and Melinda was off the mark about the heirloom thing, though she at least got in the ball park putting it together that her parents would appreciate some token from Confederal Way. I’d give them a 3.5.
SION
OK, and Hellen?
HELLEN
I sense some tension about this whole thing, like this question has ripped out the heart of the relationship. 2.
SION
Oooh! Cruella Deville herself. And Amazing Randie?
RANDIE
Oh, I want everyone to be happy. I give them a 3.
SION
All right then let’s see the other way around. Brent, your parents really are having their 30th?
BRENT
That’s right, sir. The middle of next month.
SION
Not Valentine’s Day.
(AUDIENCE goes AWWWW!)
BRENT
Yep, my parents are romantics. They always have the customary 3 packs of Twinkies for dessert.
MELINDA
They really are the sweetest people.
HELLEN
Stop, I’m going into sugar shock already!
RANDIE
Let’s give you an insolence shot!
AYN O’LYNGIS
Thirty years, huh! Wow. My partner and I have been together for 12. How do they do it?
BRENT
One thing I’ve learned from them, it’s the little things that count.
RANDIE
So Brent, what do you think your beloved would get your parents?
BRENT
Tell the truth, I’m scared to answer that . . .. bruhster.
RANDIE
Ohmigod! I think he gets it!
HELLEN
We’ll see how long THAT lasts.
BRENT
I love my Melinda Linden-Reader-Reade. But she’s a bit clueless about my parents. I bet she’d get them something she thinks would be cute but without my guidance, I don’t know. A year’s supply of Ham?
(Buzzer sounds.)
MELINDA(impressed, but embarrassed)
Rats! That was actually something I thought about.
BRENT(hides his face)
Oh, my.
SION
So, Melinda what did you say?
MELINDA
Well, I’m trying to be responsible like we talk about, and I know that you would probably tell me to get something else, but I know your Mom and Dad are partial to your sister Brenda’s kids and your brother Brian’s too—
AYN O’LYNGIS
Your parents named you Brent, Brenda and Brian?
BRENT
Yep. And Bryllis and Brevick bring up the rear. No offense.
AYN O’LYNGIS
Ha! None taken. I like this guy.
BRENT
So what’s the damage?
MELINDA
I said I’d get them a bunch of kids toys like a Slip ‘N’ Slide and whiffle bats and the like. So they’d have that stuff on deck when the grandkids came.
BRENT(alarmed)
You’re not--?
MELINDA
Me? No! Of course not! We use protection.
BRENT
Whew.
SION
Well, yes, that would be unfortunate if Darien had to shotgun Whiskey Holler into a driveby wedding wouldn’t it?
BRENT
All in all, I’m mildly pleased. Though I would still give you guidance, Mel. There’s better things out there than that.
AYN O’LYNGIS
Oh, come on! There’s nothing better than a slip ‘n’ slide! What I always say!
SION
So, Judges, how do you rate this one? Did they pull it out of the hat?
RANDIE
Sir, you are a peach. I think you’re just wonderful, and I do hope the best for you. I give these answers an 4.
SION
Very good. And Hellen?
HELLEN
Well, I don’t know. They don’t quite pull it out of the hat for me, but they did do better. 3.
SION
That’s pretty good for Hellen. And last but not least, our sexpert, Ayn?
AYN O’LYNGIS
I have to grudgingly give he same score as I did the last time. 3.5. I’m not sure you two belong together yet.
SION
There you have it for the first half of our challenge. Right now you have a score of 19, not great, but you’re not out of the running yet! Still, you’ll have to get 26 points for us to give you that all expense paid trip to the Beach Resort of your choice. On to our FINAL CHALLENGE! All right. This is also for thirty points. Brent, Melinda, this will involve some role-playing on both your parts. Now, we did an intake interview with you, and both of you said that Brent was the one who handles crises better, correct?
MELINDA
Yes, I hate to admit it, but I’m a stereotypical Gemini. I go to pieces at the slightest.
RANDIE
I resent that remark.
(Brightly)
But I don’t!
SION
Well, tough luck kiddo, because you’re the one who gets to role play the situation of crisis. This is the deal. It’s 4:50 on the Friday before you get married and you get a desperate phone call from your caterer. She tells you that due to an oil spill in Alaska, the salmon you ordered for the reception will not be coming in. By the time you get off the phone with her, you only have five minutes to come up with an alternate plan.
MELINDA
Oh, my. We have to have . . . Oh no.
SION
All right, girlfriend, breathe. This is a situation that could happen. Now, Brent. You’re not available, but it just so happens that her father is, and this is where you come in. You get to play Lincoln Linden-Reade in this situation.
BRENT
You want me to playact as I’m Mr. Lincoln, huh?
MELINDA(desperately)
Can he be my mother instead? She’s better at this sort of thing.
BRENT
Yeah, truth be told she’s right.
SION
Judges?
RANDIE
In the spirit of gender bending I say GO FOR IT, bruhster!
BRENT(embarrassed kinda)
Well, I guess that’s a compliment huh?
HELLEN
This ought to be interesting.
AYN O’LYNGIS
You took the words right out of my mouth, to make it available for other things maybe.
SION
All right then. The judges will be looking not only to see how well you negotiate this crisis, but also to see how well Brent knows Olga Linden-Reade and also, to throw in a bit of psychodrama, how her relationship with her daughter might impact the marriage.
AYN
Yes, I love to get all Freudian on you.
SION
Melinda. And “Olga”. You have five minutes. Go!
MELINDA
OK. OK. OK. OK. OK.
BRENT-AS-OLGA(clipped, business-like and just a tad cruel with a New England accent)
Tut, tut, punkin. These things are to be expected.
MELINDA
But we got the salmon because Aunt Olivia and all her side of the family—
BRENT-AS-OLGA
Well, I know Olivia claims to be allergic to chicken. She never got over that one time we got a bucket of KFC and that gizzard thingie—
MELINDA
Oh, mom. The wedding’s going to be a disaster.
BRENT-AS-OLGA
Easy, punkin, easy. Do they have other seafood?
MELINDA
What difference does it make?
BRENT-AS-OLGA(brutal)
Punkin, we really don’t have time for this. Do I have to get out my little box of goodies?
(MELINDA’s eyes get big.)
The wedding’s on Sunday and they need a decision now. First things first, like Brent’s daddy would say.
(MELINDA glares at him.)
Well, he would. Punkin. Halibut would be fine. Trout. In fact, trout Almondine—
MELINDA
We can’t. Brent’s sisters have peanut allergies.
BRENT-AS-OLGA
Tsk tsk. Let them have chicken!
MELINDA
I suppose.
BRENT-AS-OLGA
Well, it’s really all up to you. It’s your wedding.
MELINDA
It’s your wedding as much as it is mine.
BRENT-AS-OLGA
Yes, and it’s Tricia Mae’s as well, but the decision is in your hands. I think we have a couple of options. But then you know more don’t you?
MELINDA
Well, they don’t have salmon. They do have other fish, I guess. I’ll call them back.
(She dials a phone on her stand.)
Hello? This is Miss Linden-Reade—yes. Thank you. What other fish do you have besides the salmon? Snapper? Oh. That’s … that’s even better than salmon. Did you have that all the time? Oh. Well, then. We’ll go with that. Wow. You’ll have enough for 200 people? Well, then. Whew. Thank you.
(She hangs up. Canned applause, if possible.)
SION
Well, that was mighty efficient of you.
BRENT
Tweren’t perfect though, I can tell.
MELINDA
Brent’s daddy, huh?
BRENT
Yeah, yeah.
SION
Melinda, I take it that you didn’t really feel he did a good job playing your mother?
MELINDA
Well, he sort of knew how to snap back into it once I made my feelings known.
HELLEN
It’s nice to get them on a leash isn’t it?
AYN O’LYNGIS
Ruff ruff!
SION
So, judges, what’s your take?
HELLEN
Brent, honey, you’re a scary lady. You seem to have what it takes to bring out the beast in her. 8.
SION
Wow, that’s generous of our priestess of Kali, isn’t it? Ayn?
AYN O’LYNGIS
I had my doubts, but you two seem to be made for each other. 9.
SION
Goodness! Well I think there might be wedding bells in your future.
RANDIE
Oh, it’s so sad, and so wonderful, and so Donna Reed! 9.
SION
That means you got 26 points and you’re going off to have your honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta!
BRENT(excited, but sad)
Yee hawdie!
MELINDA(unsure, unsettled)
Well.
SION
Yes, yes, you two are destined to join the ranks of the future ex-spouses of America. And that concludes another episode of Queer Eye for the Knot-Tie. Be here tomorrow when we bring on our celebrity on celebrity edition with Britney Spears and her latest Man-Toy!
RANDIE
Swing Out, Bruhsters!
END OF SKETCH
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