Fears

The other day I was saying my prayers after getting up.  I was saying the Third Step Prayer and I got to the line "Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will."  I thought to myself about what one of my sponsors said to me the day before, that I sounded like I was in self-pity.
 
The interesting thing about these "self-" maladies is that they can pretty effectively mimic other feelings.  I didn't realize this until I mused to myself about the "sadness" I was feeling.  I asked myself the light-shining question, "Am I in self-pity right now?"  And do you know that I felt the feeling of sadness evaporate?  The so-called sadness relied on my keeping it in the dark, unreflected upon to maintain its obsessive nature.  And when I asked that question, it disappeared like a boggart having been "Riddikulussed!" 
 
What was remaining underneath the so-called sadness however was a legitimate feeling, that of undifferentiated fear.  I am in a period where I see that in order to go forward toward whatever destiny Gaia-Sol wishes for me, I must delve into myself a little deeper and release some of these ancient grotesqueries that hang around feeding from bottom-falling dregs.  It's not that it's a hard thing to do--just a bit painful and it takes my attention and it makes me tired.  I guess it's a good thing that it does all this, because I don't know if I could handle becoming "golden" all-of-a-piece.  But still, I wish it could energize rather than enervate.  Perhaps it will someday.
 
So I have a new tool to use when I feel a listlessness coming on.  In this case, I wrote yesterday about the Burner Periods, which I think have a relevance.  They are timeframes around which I can plan.  And it's during those periods in particular that the self-lighting tools will come most in handy. 
 
My fears tell me I have to solve an "unsolvable" problem and I only have so much time to do it.  But all of that is a lie.  I am in a situation that could be improved, but I also choose to embrace where I'm at.  I do wish for movement to take place in my life, and I open myself up to that on a day-to-day basis.  And I have all the time in the world, for everything is all right right now.